This: This

"I must learn to love the fool in me--the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries. It alone protects me against that utterly self-controlled, masterful tyrant whom I also harbor and who would rob me of human aliveness, humility, and dignity but for my fool."

-- Theodore Isaac Rubin

Guest Post: I Refuse to Fear Thirty

I was going to try to say that today's post was happening so late because our guest blogger is in the Azores but they are actually five hours ahead, not behind. Shoot. Well today was busy and I am new at this posting every day thing. Anyway, today's post comes from a phenomenally talented artist. Check out her website to see how she is able to deconstruct her work. It's fascinating. She is the college best friend of my friend Sam. Carly wrote a very insightful post about turning thirty and today happens to be Sam's 30th birthday! 

Carly, her husband, and their two adorable pups.

  I told myself years ago, I refused to fear turning thirty.  When I was twenty-seven (much to the slight annoyance of my husband over the ongoing three years), I began mentally rounding my age up to thirty.  Once I was twenty-eight, would round to thirty when asked about my age, unless my specific age was relevant.  I figured this would make the closure of my twentieth decade less unsettling.
It isn’t that I am particularly excited about the impending 3-0.  It is that I have heard repeatedly,  from friends and acquaintances that thirty hits hard (especially for women, since our culture refuses to acknowledge that women can, and should, age).

I had set vague goals for my artistic career when I was twenty-five. At that point, thirty still seemed relatively far away, and thus plenty of time to continue to develop my potential art career. However, for the first two years after setting my rather imprecise objectives, I did little except continue to make art when the mood struck and occasionally submit to art exhibitions. At twenty-seven, I realized thirty was less far off than I thought, and I took my goals more seriously.  I began to add art to my daily life. Every. Single. Day. I did something, usually something small like a daily blog post, working on visual journal pages, reading articles or checking exhibition opportunity listings. This actively kept art and my ambitions in the forefront of my mind. I set a goal of three submissions a month, a goal I usually tried (and succeeded) to exceed.

At twenty-eight, I read The Artist’s Way (Julia Cameron), and re-read Taking the Leap (Cay Lang).  This was also the age I began to trying embrace my own unique style of art, and no longer concern myself with what art was perceived as ideal for sales, popular for a niche market, or what others told me my art should look like.  I simply began to make my art, for me, for the love of art, because of my strange intrinsic need to create and I just kept trying to put it out into the world.  Because of this, over the past few years, I have found a new contentedness with my work, a deep love and appreciation of the artistic process, and my mind feels more at ease with the pressures and rejections of an artistic career.  Losing myself and embracing the style of art I instinctively create has helped me find a form of peace from the inevitable angst of artistic ambitions.

I digress.

I guess, my point is, no, I am not exactly excited about being in my thirties. I’m not. However, I am certainly not upset about it either.
In reality, I really like being an adult. I love it. Yes, I have bills, rent, taxes and I have to do boring things, like fuel my car, buy groceries, do dishes, take out the trash, fold laundry and all those other mundane chores that gradually become introduced throughout our adolescent lives–but then–before you realize it, BAM! You are a moderately self-sustaining human–for the most part.  I love being an adult. I feel like I fit into my life now. At my age, I am comfortable with myself. I like to dance, so I tend to dance a lot–and I am not good. Dancing is fun. Dancing badly is even more fun.  Fact.

As I grow older, I embrace so many more simple things that make me happy. I love my funky plastic framed glasses, and bright colors in my hair. I have tattoos, and I really like them. When I get old, yes, they will not look great, but neither will the rest of me.
I love that I have more confidence in my movements.  I am tall, and no longer shrink away from that.  I hold my shoulders back, and I make eye contact with the strangers who make comments about my stature when they think I am out of earshot.  (Not in a mean way–just that sort of– Yes, I am tall, but seriously, you are four feet away.  Of course, I can hear you talking about me.)  I still have lingering social anxiety, and I’m nervous when faced with unfamiliar situations.  But I have learned to embrace those uncomfortable experiences as learning opportunities.

I love that my parents are still my parents, they are loving and supportive.  Yet, the more I age, the more I find myself laughing with them as friends.  We have more genuine conversations, and exchange ideas.  We can disagree, and it is fine–because we are all reasonable adults.  They love me, and they are proud of the human I have become.
The older I get, the more I realize, I don’t have to let people into my life.  That sounds cold–I don’t mean this in a pessimistic way.  I have grown (from past bad experiences) and I can recognize the warning signs. I am able to maintain civil, kind interactions with people while avoiding the unnecessary drama some people inevitably crave.  I don’t have to be friends with everyone. Human interactions aren’t all or nothing.  If someone isn’t my friend, that doesn’t make him/her an enemy.  We simply exist on different terns.

I take comfort in the knowledge, that while close friends will move in and out of my direct geographical location, they will always be a part of my life–a part of my past, shaping the human I am now, making me better for knowing them.  Miles and miles of ocean, different cities, states and even continents won’t erase their love.   I know now, I will find new humans who are loving, fun, kind and respectful–eventually, wherever my life leads me.

I have found many convictions I intentionally hold close to my heart, defining me as the person I want to be in this world.  In turn, I know this world has so much more I don’t know.  I know I can be (and am) wrong–a lot.  And that is completely okay.

Yes.  I have almost been in existence for thirty years.  Yes, it makes me reflect back on how those years have been spent.  However, I am good.  And when I am not good–I am trying.  I am twenty-nine for two more months.  However, I refuse to fear turning thirty.

Wisdom’s a gift, but you’d trade it for youth.  Age is an honor, it’s still not the truth. -Vampire Weekend


  

For Her: For Me

 A few weeks ago, I was hanging out with a few girl friends and we were discussing why women are not able to take a compliment. A few minutes later, my friend told me that I looked fantastic. I immediately shot her down and expressed frustration with trying to lose baby weight. She called me out for doing exactly what we were just talking about.

I have realized since that night, how often I practice negative self talk. It happens almost every day.

When I found out that I was having a girl, it focused my mind to a set list of joys and worries. I want to protect her but not in such a way that she is not able to experience the world. I want to hold her up and not hold her back. I worry about boys breaking her heart and friends breaking her trust. I worry about the pressure that is put on girls to look a certain way.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I can do to combat some of the challenges that she will face. I have come up with one seemingly simple answer. Nick and I need to develop her confidence. I want to send her out in the world with the knowledge of who she is and all she has to offer. If she knows her strength, power, and beauty she will be able to make better decisions. She will be able to walk away from troublesome boys, weak friendships, and damaging choices.

Children practice what you do but not always what you say. With this in mind, I have decided to break myself of negative self talk. If I tell her how wonderful she is and then knock myself down, the message is muddled. When I catch myself saying something critical, I replace it with something positive. If I can change the statement, I hope to eventually change the message.

I challenge you to be mindful of your own internal communication for one day. 

The Critic Does Not Count: Small Bursts

I never intended to stay away that long. I could offer a plethora of excuses. Emaline is the most obvious. She keeps me busy and is very distracting. She redirects my creativity and refocuses my attention, making it difficult to sit and write. But she is not the only reason. My computer stopped working around the same time that I finally got an iphone. I always thought that having a smartphone would make blogging easier. The tiny portal to the rest of the world is convenient for many things but I don't like it for writing.

Yesterday, Nick offered me his computer and so here I am.

Emaline just woke up from a nap and is cooing away in her swing.

And quickly her coos turned into fusses. So now it is a few hours later. She is taking her second nap and I am back to writing. I guess this speaks to not really owning my time. It has taken me awhile to realize that I can still accomplish the things that I want, but not always when I want.

I am on week three of the Artist's Way. The changes are small but noticeable. Cracks are forming and inspiration is starting to seep through. I have been having vivid and fantastic dreams. I am writing everyday. I have realized that writing does not have to be all or nothing. I can write in small bursts. I can write because I love it. I can create something new, not for critique but, as an expression of who I am. It is liberating to believe that my job is to put words on a page and what happens after that, is not for me to decide.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.” 

-Theodore Roosevelt 


Elizabeth Gilbert spoke about this in her Ted talk. Oprah has talked about this many times, most recently with the author of The War of Art. And this morning, the most eloquent blogger that I read daily, said this.

I have always been protective of my art. It was a big deal when I was younger to share my stories. It was a big deal in 2009 when I decided to start a blog. Putting yourself out there is scary. But I am also learning that vulnerability can be a good thing. And so I will try. I will try to be honest. I will try to be brave. I will try to share my voice.



She is starting to wiggle and coo. Her eyes are still closed but I know what comes next.

The Observation: Writing on the Wall

The other night I was up really late. Nick and I had gone upstairs relatively early and we were both reading. Nick was reading from his Calvin and Hobbes anthology and I started reading The fault in Our Stars.

A few years ago for Christmas, I bought Nick the complete works of Calvin and Hobbes. Yes, the comic. It came in a box set. There are three hardcover books and I would guess that each book weighs twenty pounds. He loves it! That night he carried the entire set upstairs and said this is what he planned to read to our baby.

As he laid beside me holding up twenty pounds of cartoon, he was laughing out loud. Every once in a while he would ask me to read a section. They are funny, I like them, but he likes it to another level.

In a completely different mindset, I was beside him with The Fault in Our Stars. It pulled me in early on and would not let go. I finished the book in less than 24 hours. The story is a little dark as it is dealing with teenagers who are battling cancer. It is beautifully written. The dialogue is so sharp that the characters easily come to life. I was up reading long after Nick fell asleep.

 At 2:30am, I got up to use the bathroom. I was washing my hands when I noticed writing on the wall. In blue marker, Nick had labeled the items on the sink and had drawn arrows pointing to them. My first thought was how strange that I had not noticed this when I first walked into the room. My second thought was why on earth had he written on his bathroom wall?

 I stepped back to think about this, when I noticed more writing! On the wall directly across from the toilet (the wall you look at if you are sitting on the toilet) was an assortment of strange quotes and a drawing of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

My tired mind started thinking about ghosts again. I could not process that I had not noticed all of this when I first entered the room. But really, I knew my husband was to blame. I still thought there must be a reason. His engineer mind must have thought up some practical application.

I woke Nick up to ask him about the midnight scrawling. He just laughed. When pressed on why he covered his bathroom in blue marker, "It was fun. As soon as I realized that I could write on the walls, I decided to do it."

"Are you going to erase it?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I'll get a different colored marker and add to it."

 And people think that I am the goofy one??

After note: I am bothered by my lack of observation. I took this quiz and failed. What other things am I missing? You should take it too!

Simple Inspiration: Quote

“There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, 

a quickening that is translated through you into action, 

and because there is only one of you in all of time, 

this expression is unique. 

And if you block it, 

it will never exist through any other medium 

and it will be lost. The world will not have it. 

It is not your business to determine how good it is 

nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. 

It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, 

to keep the channel open. 

You do not even have to believe in yourself 

or your work. 

You have to keep yourself open 

and aware to the urges that motivate you. 

Keep the channel open… 

No artist is pleased. 

There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. 

There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, 

a blessed unrest that keeps us marching

and makes us more alive than the others.”  

 -Martha Graham

Notice: It's Really Happening

Last Tuesday, I took a giant leap. Nick and I decided the night before that we are ready.

When I woke up in the morning, I felt sick. I was shaky and pale and almost lost my breakfast. I came into work, called my supervisor into a meeting, and gave my two weeks notice. He asked me if I had really thought it over, if I was sure that this is what I wanted. My nerves turned to excitement and I had to try to not laugh.

From the moment I walked out of the meeting room, I felt different. I felt confident. I knew I made the right decision.

So many times I have written on here about feeling like I was ready for change, that something exciting was right around the corner. After patiently waiting and planning for the right moment, it has finally arrived.

I have spent so much time thinking about what I really want. Some of the answers are more obvious than others. Some answers never change.

Nick is an engineer and so he and I have made plans to make this work. We made charts and graphs and lists and once there was nothing left to decide, we were ready.

I am going to pursue a dream.

As of July 21st, my job title is writer.

Duke and Toby will be my coworkers. My office is my new work space. I will toil away at a computer screen. I will put words on a page and try to make something out of it.



To answer the FAQs:

1. Yes, I have something lined up but not as much as you might think.

• I have an unpaid internship writing for a furniture company.
• It is marketing writing for a company that cares a lot about sustainability and being eco-friendly.
• I am working on a novel.
• I am terrible at giving a synopsis of my novel. Suffice it to say, it is fiction and I still have a lot left to write.
• I am applying for other writing jobs and freelance opportunities.
• Yes, I would love if you knew of any opportunities and shared them with me.

2. I write primarily fiction but I am also interested in copy editing, marketing writing, and short non-fiction. At this stage in the writing game, I am not picky and will be happy to write about horses or umbrellas. I love writing about pop-culture, people, and travel.



3. I am able to do this because my husband is amazing. He has been pushing me harder than I have been pushing myself. He believes in my talent and encourages my passion. He is also really smart and works as an engineer in the neuromodulation department so he can support us for a bit. (** This does mean though that we will be significantly tightening our belts in the upcoming months.)



4. Yes, I am very aware of the challenges that I (we) face. I hear it in the lack of words of some of the older and more traditional people in my life. Ultimately, this is something that if I did not try, I would always wonder what if and so whatever the outcome may be, I believe in my decision and I cannot wait to see what this time brings...

Simple Inspiration: Countdown Inspired Quotes

There has been an absolute transition of time. It used to be that when people would ask when the wedding was, I would tell them, and they would respond: "Oh you have plenty of time!" And now all of a sudden the canned answer is, "Oh, that's coming up fast!"

117 days until the wedding. 89 days until the send off party.

Yikes when did that happen??

I have been collecting love quotes since we got engaged. I am not sure what, if anything, I will do with them but they are lovely.

Most of these have come from this blog.

Every house where love abides

And friendship is a guest,

Is surely home, and home sweet home

For there the heart can rest.

-- Henry Van Dyke

"When you're in love you never really know whether

your elation comes from the qualities of the one you love,

or if it attributes them to her;

whether the light which surrounds her like a halo

comes from you, from her,
or from the meeting of your sparks."
- Natalie Clifford Barney

"Open your life wide, and take me in forever.

I will never be tired-
I will never be noisy when you want
to be still...nobody else will see me, but you—
but that is enough—I shall not want any more."
—Emily Dickinson to an unknown recipient

 

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be …

It really is worth fighting for,

being brave for, risking everything for."

— Erica Jong

“Sometimes, when we’re lying together,
I look at her

and I feel dizzy with the realization

that here is another distinct person from me,

who has memories, origins, thoughts,

feelings that are different from my own.

That tension between familiarity
and mystery meshes

something strong between us.

Even if one builds a life together based on trust,

attentiveness and mutual support,
I think that it’s important
that a partner continues to surprise."
-Barack Obama

Simple Inspiration: Travel

I had so much fun with my travel post yesterday that travel has remained on my mind and in my dreams. So today I will leave you with some of my favorite travel quotes:



"All journeys have secret destinations of which the traveler is unaware.” –Martin Buber
"The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” –St. Augustine
"Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime." -Mark Twain
All travel has its advantages. If the passenger visits better countries, he may learn to improve his own. And if fortune carries him to worse, he may learn to enjoy it.” –Samuel Johnson

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” –Mark Twain

"Once you have traveled, the voyage never ends, but is played out over and over again in the quietest chambers. The mind can never break off from the journey.” -Pat Conroy

Simple Inspiration: Voices of Experience

Today I will leave just a few quotes. I find reading these inspires me and makes me feel connected to the literary world. It is comforting to know that everyone struggles. The difference is that even in their struggle the words find themselves so beautifully on the page.

"One must be drenched in words, literally soaked in them, to have the right ones form themselves into the proper pattern at the right moment."
-Hart Crane

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart"
-William Wordsworth

"Don't tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass."
-Anton Chekhov

"Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment."
-Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey

"The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and all time."
-George Bernard Shaw

"All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know."
-Ernest Hemingway

"You cant' wait for inspiration, you have to go after it with a club."
-Jack London

"Fiction is like a spider's web, attached ever so slightly perhaps, but still attached to life at all four corners."
-Virginia Woolf