Being Honest: 22 Weeks

Kaleb and Colin letting me practice.

I have been so tired all day today. I went grocery shopping and bought a latte. I have been sipping on it for three hours. I am trying to find that sweet spot between caffeinated and jittery. It is harder than it should be.

I try not to complain about pregnancy too much because I know that I am lucky to be able to experience this odd journey and I know that plenty of women have it a lot tougher that I do. That being said, my truth is that I really dislike being pregnant!

My best friend has asked that I document this journey so that she has a personal reference when it is her turn. I don't think complaining is what she meant but there is a lot of this process that goes unsaid and I want her to know that whatever she is feeling, is okay.

I am very excited to be a Mom, to have a daughter, to watch Nick be a Dad. I know it will be tough when she is here. I know my life will change in ways I can not grasp. I know that I will be exhausted and pushed to my limits. And as Nick's Dad likes to remind us, I know I will get poop under my fingernails.  Being a parent will have challenges and I am sure I will write all about it. But now I am strictly talking about the nine months of carrying baby.

First ever instagram photo of self. Harder than I thought it would be.

 Being pregnant is strange and foreign and more difficult than I expected. It is different for everybody. But for me, it is hard. My friend Abbie was the first person to tell me that is was okay to not enjoy pregnancy. She admitted that she hated it and her honesty brought me so much relief.

To put it simply, I do not feel like myself.

It is a challenge to both the mind and body. My emotions are all over the board. Tears are brought on by the stupidest things. I have cried on more than one occasion just from singing along with the radio, song subject is irrelevant.

My clothes do not fit right. The body I am working with is not the body that I know. If you lose or gain weight, you still know your shape. Pregnancy changes that. It leaves me not knowing how to dress myself and that creates frustration.

Food could really have it's own post. It is such a struggle! I have always thought that would be a fun perk of pregnancy. But I almost never know what I want to eat and when I do make a decision, it is a gamble as to whether it will actually taste good. Something that was appealing yesterday, today might make me gag just thinking about it.

The first trimester felt like I had the flu all of the time. I never wanted to eat. I carried gingerale and saltines with me at all times. My appetite started coming back around 12-14 weeks and for a while after that Nick would tell me that seeing me eat made him happy. I guess things were rough for him too.

Everybody will tell you that the second trimester is better and it is. Fewer stretching pains and less nausea. The second trimester also brought a lot of headaches and a rarer pregnancy side effect, intense itching when I try to sleep. Yes, itching. It is my body's reaction to all of the hormones.

The best parts, so far, of this process also happen in the second trimester. I started to feel her move around 18 weeks and now at almost 23 weeks, I feel her everyday. I love it so much. It is comforting and makes me feel connected. The other best part was finding out that we are having a girl! 

The ultrasound that shows gender, is much more. It is really an extensive look at all of her development. It was amazing! My favorite was seeing the 3-D image of her rib cage and spine. I could not help looking over at Nick and reminding him, "Hey, I built that!"

A few hours after the appointment, my doctor called. She let me know that baby is perfect but that I have placenta plevia. It means that my placenta is too close to the cervix. There is a strong chance, that as I grow, it will move away. If it does not, I will have to have a c-section and I may end up delivering earlier than expected. It also increases the risk of bleeding. I will know more at 28 weeks when we have another ultrasound.  Until then, I have to take it easier than I would like. As my doctor put it, I am not on bed rest but my cervix is.

It is a complication that I can handle. I am grateful that we have the technology to detect these problems and I remind myself that years ago I would not know to change my habits.

I am figuring this out and it helps to share some of my struggles. It is Friday evening and Nick just got home. I am going to fill up a wine glass with juice. Have I told you how much I miss wine? Because I miss it SO MUCH!