Big Things: Focus

Portsmouth

This year, more than any other, seems to carry focus. Not because of some determined resolution but 

because of a path that I have slowly, oh so slowly, been wearing down and creating.

But before I can press my feet into the dirt and continue, I need to take a little bit of time to reflect. A year has ended and a new one has shuffled into place. In reflecting on 2015, the year of balance, it took me a moment to recognize the year as it was. Most of the changes, with some serious exception, are small. A few are light, simple, and fun. But my reason for creating a list is to provide a reminder, context. And in this post of introspection, I realize that 2015 was the year in which this quote proved true:





We rang in 2015 at our house with some of my best college friends. It was wonderful!

A few weeks later, Nick, Emaline, and I flew to Sanibel, Florida with my parents. We rode bikes, collected shells, watched sunsets, drank jai-alai, and swam in the ocean.

While we were there we found out that my Nana Rice was very sick. We wondered if we needed to return home early, but the decision was made for us when a massive snowstorm shut down New England. When we were able to get back,we spent time with my Nana before she passed away.

Nick pulling Emaline through the backyard of the house where my Mom grew up.

My Uncle Paul doing something on the roof. My Nana watching us through the window. The last day we saw her.

On my birthday, we said goodbye to my last grandparent. I wrote about her here. We spent the next few months buried in snow.

When finally the last bit of white melted away, we broke the record for the snowiest winter in Boston's recorded history. And moving forward from that hibernation, I realize now, how many small changes happened then:

• Started a number of house projects 
• Tended the yard and gardens around our home
• Discovered podcasts 
• Continued to simplify, declutter, and slow my home
• Began eating more fruits and veggies with a daily smoothie
• Got myself to enjoy black coffee
• Started wearing lipstick. (It only took me 32 years to decide that I liked the way it looked.) 
• Learned to like cooking a bit more and picked up a few recipes
• Took a painting class
• Attended networking events
• Found a workout class that I really enjoy and have stuck with it. Barre!

In May, we celebrated Emaline's second birthday with a big party at our house and got her a swing-set. A few weeks later, Nick had to go to Amsterdam for a work conference and I took the opportunity to join him. We left Emaline with my Mom and traveled Bruges and Amsterdam for six days. It was a great reminder how much Nick and I love to travel together and want that for our family in the years to come. We also:

• Traveled to Minneapolis three times
• Vacationed on the Cape
• Visited the National Seashore
• Hosted a number of family and friends

The day after we returned from Europe, the organization that I serve as a volunteer board member had our biggest event of the year! We shut down the main street in Portsmouth to host the Stiletto Sprint! A short race run in heels (men and women) to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters. It was an incredible event and I am so proud to be a part of it. In our last meeting, I agreed to take a higher position on the board for this coming year.

And at the end of the summer, I got an offer to join a long term writing project. An author who I love and respect is writing a historical fiction novel and has asked me to research and edit. I officially started on September 1st and it is the best!

In addition to this list, are the countless days I have spent with Emaline. Often we are in pajamas, playing hide and seek or babies or kitchen or coloring or singing or freeze dancing. I will admit that sometimes Emaline has to say "Mama, play with me!" before I decide that it is okay to stop what I am doing (this included) and be with her completely. But every night when I squeeze her in my arms before tucking her in, I know this is a time to cherish. And I do. She is no longer a baby but a little person. She is smart, funny, thoughtful, and curious. She counts, sings, knows her colors and letters, uses a high-pitched voice when we play pretend. Every day she does something that just pulls on my heart. This morning she hid stuffed animals in Nick's jacket pocket to surprise him when he went to work.

So 2016, I am ready for you. 2016 is the year of focus. Travel. Finances. Family. Friends. Writing.

Happy New Year!

Travel: Like Writing

Bruges, Belgium. 

 On a Wednesday evening a few weeks ago, Nick and I left Emaline with my parents and boarded a plane to Amsterdam. As the trip neared, I received one of two questions: "Are you excited?" or "Are you scared to leave Emaline?" I have never been good at answering questions of this type. The honest response is trickier than expected so I just say "yes."

Emaline carried my picture in her pocket the day before I came home.

I thought about not going. I allowed waves of guilt and fear to follow me around. I polled friends and family expecting somebody to tell me what I wanted to hear. I looked at my child and knew that I would not see anything in this world as wonderful as her little face. I could not imagine being away from her for six days because we are always together and I don't want to miss even a minor change. It happens so quick. But as I lifted her from my shoulder and placed her in bed, I thought about how I wanted her to see me.

I paused the fear and the judgement and just focused on her and I. And I realized that I need to give her the best version of myself. And for me, part of that is travel.

I recently read Yes Please  and the words that stick with me are, "good for you, not for me." How I parent is not the same as how you parent. How I live my life is not the same as you live your life. And that's totally cool! I need to stop trying to meet some invisible expectation. When I let go of public perception, decisions are much simpler. The answer: Travel, like writing, makes me better. The same reason that I went, might be the same reason that another parent chooses to stay.

Nick and I are both a little better after an adventure than the version of ourselves who began. We push ourselves to new places, collect experiences, and step out of routine to look at a shiny new world.

And like that, the fear settled. It did not go away, but I was able to package it up and stow it beneath my seat. I still cried on the way to the airport and I still felt a knot in my chest whenever a small child passed us on the streets of Europe. But as our train rolled through the Belgian countryside I felt light. I took in the beauty of the area and thought about telling Emaline all about this when she gets a little older.  

IAMSTERDAM

A real Belgian waffle

New Flemish friends in Bruges, Belgium 

Guest Post: Travelling With Intent

Today's post comes from my friend Sam. You may remember that yesterday was her 30th birthday or that I have written about trips to her hometown in North Dakota not once, but twice! When we met, it clicked faster than any other friendship post-college. My life in Minnesota would not be half as fun, if not for her. She can also sing, act, play guitar and piano, and never fails to make me laugh..  

Sam and I hanging out in North Dakota.

When I was a kid, I thought I was super lame because I had only been to two states (Minnesota and North Dakota). Unless you counted the ten minutes I had spent with my parents driving through a corner of South Dakota. Then it was three. Three whole states in my ten years of life. I was a failure.

When my friends would speak of their travels to far-off places like Wisconsin or Iowa where they’d traveled, I couldn’t fathom the distances they had gone; the exotic places they had seen; the well-rounded 6^th graders they had become. I was so boring and grounded. My parents never went anywhere, and I was a less interesting person because of it. 

Well, as the years passed and I matured into a carefree college student, I discovered that the key to travelling lay within one simple concept: Adult Autonomy.

The first time I ever traveled outside of the United States to something more interesting than Canada was during my junior year of college back in 2005 for a study abroad program that entailed going to the continent of Europe for a majority of the spring semester. The trip was adequately named “Eurospring” and I signed up for it because I was in charge of my life now, and God be damned if I wasn’t going to become cool by going somewhere far away.

I also might have signed up because everyone else was doing it and I hadn’t “found” myself yet and maybe, just maybe,  “I” was hiding somewhere in Europe.

 Of course I had never really dreamt of going to Europe, in particular. The boring English sitcoms that my parents watched on PBS hadn’t really rubbed off on me and as a result I had no desire to experience funny accents or driving on the left side of the road. But this was a trip that would look amazing on my travel resume. I’d surely emerge from this experience a better and more brilliant person. Seven countries in two months, visiting famous landmarks, frolicking in the London fog; it sounded like the perfect concoction for worldliness.  My excitement began to grow as our takeoff date grew near. The preliminary travel sessions we attended for the program were filled with helpful information for Americans visiting Europe for the first time: Europeans don’t wear jeans, so don’t bring any unless you want to stand out. Europeans don’t switch their fork to their right hand when eating, so learn to eat continentally. Europeans hate Americans so say you’re from Canada when approached by one. Unless you’re in France. Then you’re screwed

Eurospring with Sam on the far left.

.Armed with this sage advice, I and all of my friends hopped on a plane en route to Heathrow and proceeded to do everything that you could possibly do in Europe over the course of two months. I saw castles and dungeons and Stonehenge and the Vatican and the Eiffel Tower. I visited London 9 separate times and rode a bicycle through Paris. I ferried across the English Channel and swam in the Adriatic Sea. I spent pounds and euros and crowns and I drank beer and wine and absinthe. 

So much absinthe. 

After two months of apparent European bliss, I returned to the US as, what I envisioned, a savvy globetrotter who had tons of worldly experience.  As my boyfriend’s mom drove us home from the airport I was surprised by how big everything in America was. Buildings, cars and even the roads they drove on seemed unnecessarily large because I had grown so used to Europe’s smaller scale. Home was almost foreign to me and I felt like I had conquered being a well-travelled citizen.

 But by the time we got home, the only thing that seemed to be still affecting me from my European adventure was the jet lag that was conveniently allowing me to wake up at 6am. In regards to my worldly transformation, I felt like I had always felt: like myself. 

Since that trip, I’ve visited Europe six separate times on my own. Each one of those trips lasted just a fraction of the time that I spent there during my study abroad, but each of those little jaunts across the pond had more of an effect on me than the two months I spent there during my junior year of college. 

Sam on the far left, hanging out in the Azores.

Why? Because, I learned to travel with intent. After I graduated, I somehow became lucky enough to have friends and family who lived abroad and I decided to make the most of my long distance relationships. I took advantage of their hospitality and got to see a more intimate portrayal of the same far off lands I had visited in college. I took my time and nurtured the relationships I had with my friends and family rather than worry about seeing and doing everything. As a result, I relaxed into my temporary surroundings and became acquainted with some of the locals, so much so, that I had an international love affair for the better part of 2011 and played music in a Portuguese bar just last year. In finding a reason to travel that was more than “I should do it, everyone else is”, I found more satisfaction in what I experienced and actually did learn something about myself: I am who I am, and I can embrace that and be happy.

All of that advice in our travel sessions before Eurospring seemed to be geared towards hiding the fact that we were Americans, which I’ve learned since, is impossible to do if you are indeed an American in Europe. (It’s even more difficult to do when you’re an American college student with 30 other American college students riding around in a vehicle labeled “Eurobus” for two months.)  Throughout my independent travels, I’ve come to accept that my nationality is something I can’t change and is a significant part of who I am, just like so many other facets of myself. Travelling with intent taught me that it’s ok to be you and you shouldn’t have to worry about what anyone else thinks about it.

A Few Notes From Abroad: Pictures to Come

Yes, we went to Paris and London and now we are home. Since I did not post on facebook or on the blog when we left, some people did not know the trip already happened. It kind of makes me feel like Nick and I snuck off to Europe and I am very much okay with that.

I have been wanting to post ever since we got back. I have been waiting to share pictures. The thing is, I do not really know how to get images off of Nick's camera or his phone. I need his help and we have been sick and he has started back at school. As a result, I have not been able to commandeer his brain. Soon, I promise.

I will say- it was wonderful! We had so much fun! Paris and London are such amazing cities. They are not very similar, except that they are massive and full of history.

London felt like being in the home of a distant relative. Maybe a great aunt who you do not know well, but when you hear her speak, she sounds familiar. Her walls, covered in the images of your family, solidify stories that you have heard your whole life. She can point to events, people, histories that are so famous, so long ago, they seem like a fairytale. 

 And Paris, Oh Paris! If London is a distant family member, Paris is an unrequited love. I never stood a chance. It happened at first sight and every day that passed, every baguette that was purchased, had me falling deeper. The city demands your attention. The Eiffel Tower did not disappoint but It does not stand alone in elegance. One afternoon, Nick suggested that we picnic in the garden by our hotel. I hesitantly agreed and we walked a few blocks to find the most beautiful park I have ever seen. That is Paris, brimming with surprise and hidden beauty.

Jardin Des Plantes

When I am able to share our photos, I will write again. I will tell you where we went and the silly things we did. Until then, Heather: this post is for you.

Ticking Clock: Surprise Destination

A few months prior to my wedding, I met with three of my girlfriends for dinner. "The hens" (as we were nicknamed by one of the husbands) get together on a regular basis to catch-up. We could sit and chat forever. We always have fun and laugh a lot! There is really nothing off limits for us to talk about.

Two of the girls have been on similar tracks in their relationships as Nick and I: from moving in together to puppies to engagement rings. It has been nice to have friends who understand what is happening in that moment: the good, the bad, and the ridiculous.

I nearly chocked on my pizza when they both announced that they were ready for babies. I was shocked. Maybe I should not have been. They are married. They own houses. But still, I was. After the initial shock, I realized that for the first time, I did not want to follow in their footsteps, not yet.

I went home that evening and told Nick their news and my reaction to it. As honestly as I could, I told him the first thought that went through my head when they told me. What flashed through my head was that I had not yet been to Paris. He was not surprised by their news, he was surprised by me.

Paris?

The trip was not something I had been dreaming of. It is not something we had previously discussed. But when I was faced with the possibility of moving into the next phase of life, Paris birthed itself into something that had to be done.

Nick was silent for a moment before responding, Well, I suppose we need to go to Paris.

Since that time, both girls got pregnant, one baby was born in May, the other is due in September. In addition to them, it seems like everybody else I know has jumped aboard the baby express. Just in May and June:

Welcome Amelia, Colin, Caroline, Hudson, Lucy, Henry, Theron, and Isabelle!

On Monday, Nick came home from work and as part of the conversation we were having, asked me what he is good at as a husband. He reminded me that I occasionally ask if I am a good wife, so now he is turning the tables. I listed off a number of truths: Smart, handsome, playful, supportive.

Do you know what else I am good at? He asked with a smirk. Buying plane tickets.



We are going to London and Paris!! We are going for a week at the end of August!! I'm so excited! Of all the amazing things that we will do, I just keep imagining a picnic in front of the Eiffel Tower. It's pretty wonderful when a dream that you did not even know you had, comes to life.

Any London or Paris recommendations are welcome.