Parenting: A Little Crunchy

A few weeks ago, a mom friend was telling me about the health reset she was leading at her gym. I mentioned that I could use something like that and she commented that I already practice some of what she was teaching and that I was "a little crunchy". She did not mean it in a negative way but it gave me pause. I had never thought of myself as crunchy. In that moment, I could see myself as she did- Emaline and I cook homemade granola for goodness sake!

As somebody who overthinks things, the phrase tossed in my mind. I was stuck, not on whether she was right but when did this happen? I had not always been this way. I used to not read labels or think twice about where my money went. I used to think a bagel for breakfast and frozen pizza for dinner constituted a well-balanced diet. But somewhere, something changed.

And I began to hear myself: talk about the food we eat, the products I purchase, my desire to buy and own less, and my hope that the planet begins to tilt in a more conscious way.

I have to admit, it does sound a little crunchy.

But it's not. Not really. It is just wanting better. It is being aware of the problems that we face and wanting to make changes to make the world a happier, healthier, more peaceful place. If not for me, then for Emaline. 

I realized then when this happened: When I became a mom. 

I was eight months pregnant when my hometown was bombed. I have to shut the television off because the news is too much for a little person to see. The first time I fed my child a jar of baby food, a rash broke out on her face. The day she was born, I looked at her and knew I would do anything to keep her safe. The list goes on.

As a parent, your stake in the game changes. I feel responsible, not only for my child but the world that is left to her. And so things began to shift. It will never be perfect but I can never stop trying. 

Change requires making conscious decisions, small choices over and over that will improve her life today and tomorrow. I am striving for something better and I think things like kindness, generosity, and taking care of our planet are keys to getting there. I also love homemade granola. So I guess I am a little crunchy.

Space for Creativity: Bring to Life

Yesterday, I was listening to this podcast and I was inspired to go through boxes in my basement. Bins that are labeled "Kerin's Keepsakes", "Kerin's Stuff Fragile", "Kerin Wedding", and "Kerin Photos". I vaguely knew what was in them but not entirely. Between last night and this morning, I picked up each item and made a decision. I narrowed from four overstuffed bins to one. Some things I threw away, some I donated, and some really important items moved from being stashed in a box to actually being displayed in my house. Pretty awesome.

I also found something I wrote. I don't know when I wrote it. My guess is a year or two after college. I used to create things like this as an exercise against writer's block. I showed it to Nick and he said I should put it on my blog. Why not? What strikes me about the piece is my relationship with Creativity. It seems to be doing much better these days. But like anything that close to my heart, I'll always worry.
Enjoy!

Bring to Life

Out of practice. I can only hope that the imagination which brought me so far as a child is able to be revived. I hope it is not too late to pull out the paddles and resuscitate. Creativity lies on the operating table: split open and spilling, spreading across the floor, creating a mess. I hover above it and try to recognize my old friend. I wonder how I let it get this far. I press down hard, waiting for a response. Nothing. I look at the screen searching for hope, waiting for a flicker to tell me- "you've still got it." Nothing. I try again.

If it is gone, then what? 

Creativity has been such a dear friend. All of the make-pretend games as a child, the fantasies, the dreams, and most importantly- the stories. When I needed an escape, I merely had to let my fingers fall. A-S-D-F-J-K-L-;. Squint my eyes and lightly move my lips. It was my secret recipe. Stir well and wait for my friend to tip-toe across the screen. I feel a surge of desperation as Creativity codes, right there in front of me. And although I am supposed to be the one in charge, the one controlling the room and the outcome; in this moment I feel helpless. 

What would the obituary read? What for my love of writing and Creativity have I to show? A collection of work- finished and pressed- not quite. 

So I approach the computer like a forgotten friend. I ask forgiveness and I type away. Line by line, I write blurbs of meaningless thought. But the letters are coming and it's more than I could ask for after such an extended break. "I did not forget you", I whisper as Creativity takes a tiny breath, so light and so short I almost miss it. 

I press again and remember so many late nights. A  spark would fill my fingers and I would fight off sleep just to type. The minutes tick by and all my thoughts meld and before I can try to piece them together, they are on the screen- unedited and exposed because that's how they fell. And I leave them just as they are. I used to think that somebody guided my words, that a visitor came to my screen while I slept and made my sentences flow better than I ever could.

I know if and when my sweet Creativity wakes up there will be lots of questions, mainly my reasons for not visiting. I do not have an answer. I guess I needed time for a break. Creativity would understand as long as it knew that I will not completely give up that younger version. The one that sat with words playing on her tongue until the room began getting light. I never want that to not be a part of who I am. I never want to let it go. 

Marching: 7 Simple Shares

Playground in February. Pretending it is spring.

A few random things:

1. We recently painted the kitchen, dining room, and hallway. The entire house was a variety of tan and I needed to break it up a little. I am so happy with how it turned out! The kitchen and hallway are this color and the dining room accent wall is this.

After. Don't mind the phone charger and the few items missing from the sideboard.

2. Have you seen Home? It is Emaline's new favorite movie. I feel like I did not hear much about it when it came out. When I look it up, the reviews are mixed but my toddler loves it and so do I! It is funny and sweet with a positive message and a great soundtrack. You can find it on Netflix.

Nick and I went to a concert last weekend.
3. My favorite song from the opening act is this.

4. And my favorite song from the headliner is this.

5. The show was at House of Blues Boston. We have had friends complain about the venue before and we never understood. It turns out that the floor is great and the balcony is awful. If you ever find yourself looking at tickets to a show there, make sure your tickets are for the floor. Do NOT buy tickets for the balcony. Trust me on this.

6. If you are not yet watching Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, you need to check it out. It is informative, sharp, and seriously funny. It airs Sunday nights on HBO. Nick and I watch on HBOGO through our AppleTV and if you don't have access to that, you can find some of his best segments on YouTube like this, this, and now this.

7. Today starts a new month. If you are looking for some inspiration to start decluttering your house, check out this.

Big Things: Focus

Portsmouth

This year, more than any other, seems to carry focus. Not because of some determined resolution but 

because of a path that I have slowly, oh so slowly, been wearing down and creating.

But before I can press my feet into the dirt and continue, I need to take a little bit of time to reflect. A year has ended and a new one has shuffled into place. In reflecting on 2015, the year of balance, it took me a moment to recognize the year as it was. Most of the changes, with some serious exception, are small. A few are light, simple, and fun. But my reason for creating a list is to provide a reminder, context. And in this post of introspection, I realize that 2015 was the year in which this quote proved true:





We rang in 2015 at our house with some of my best college friends. It was wonderful!

A few weeks later, Nick, Emaline, and I flew to Sanibel, Florida with my parents. We rode bikes, collected shells, watched sunsets, drank jai-alai, and swam in the ocean.

While we were there we found out that my Nana Rice was very sick. We wondered if we needed to return home early, but the decision was made for us when a massive snowstorm shut down New England. When we were able to get back,we spent time with my Nana before she passed away.

Nick pulling Emaline through the backyard of the house where my Mom grew up.

My Uncle Paul doing something on the roof. My Nana watching us through the window. The last day we saw her.

On my birthday, we said goodbye to my last grandparent. I wrote about her here. We spent the next few months buried in snow.

When finally the last bit of white melted away, we broke the record for the snowiest winter in Boston's recorded history. And moving forward from that hibernation, I realize now, how many small changes happened then:

• Started a number of house projects 
• Tended the yard and gardens around our home
• Discovered podcasts 
• Continued to simplify, declutter, and slow my home
• Began eating more fruits and veggies with a daily smoothie
• Got myself to enjoy black coffee
• Started wearing lipstick. (It only took me 32 years to decide that I liked the way it looked.) 
• Learned to like cooking a bit more and picked up a few recipes
• Took a painting class
• Attended networking events
• Found a workout class that I really enjoy and have stuck with it. Barre!

In May, we celebrated Emaline's second birthday with a big party at our house and got her a swing-set. A few weeks later, Nick had to go to Amsterdam for a work conference and I took the opportunity to join him. We left Emaline with my Mom and traveled Bruges and Amsterdam for six days. It was a great reminder how much Nick and I love to travel together and want that for our family in the years to come. We also:

• Traveled to Minneapolis three times
• Vacationed on the Cape
• Visited the National Seashore
• Hosted a number of family and friends

The day after we returned from Europe, the organization that I serve as a volunteer board member had our biggest event of the year! We shut down the main street in Portsmouth to host the Stiletto Sprint! A short race run in heels (men and women) to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters. It was an incredible event and I am so proud to be a part of it. In our last meeting, I agreed to take a higher position on the board for this coming year.

And at the end of the summer, I got an offer to join a long term writing project. An author who I love and respect is writing a historical fiction novel and has asked me to research and edit. I officially started on September 1st and it is the best!

In addition to this list, are the countless days I have spent with Emaline. Often we are in pajamas, playing hide and seek or babies or kitchen or coloring or singing or freeze dancing. I will admit that sometimes Emaline has to say "Mama, play with me!" before I decide that it is okay to stop what I am doing (this included) and be with her completely. But every night when I squeeze her in my arms before tucking her in, I know this is a time to cherish. And I do. She is no longer a baby but a little person. She is smart, funny, thoughtful, and curious. She counts, sings, knows her colors and letters, uses a high-pitched voice when we play pretend. Every day she does something that just pulls on my heart. This morning she hid stuffed animals in Nick's jacket pocket to surprise him when he went to work.

So 2016, I am ready for you. 2016 is the year of focus. Travel. Finances. Family. Friends. Writing.

Happy New Year!

Travel: Like Writing

Bruges, Belgium. 

 On a Wednesday evening a few weeks ago, Nick and I left Emaline with my parents and boarded a plane to Amsterdam. As the trip neared, I received one of two questions: "Are you excited?" or "Are you scared to leave Emaline?" I have never been good at answering questions of this type. The honest response is trickier than expected so I just say "yes."

Emaline carried my picture in her pocket the day before I came home.

I thought about not going. I allowed waves of guilt and fear to follow me around. I polled friends and family expecting somebody to tell me what I wanted to hear. I looked at my child and knew that I would not see anything in this world as wonderful as her little face. I could not imagine being away from her for six days because we are always together and I don't want to miss even a minor change. It happens so quick. But as I lifted her from my shoulder and placed her in bed, I thought about how I wanted her to see me.

I paused the fear and the judgement and just focused on her and I. And I realized that I need to give her the best version of myself. And for me, part of that is travel.

I recently read Yes Please  and the words that stick with me are, "good for you, not for me." How I parent is not the same as how you parent. How I live my life is not the same as you live your life. And that's totally cool! I need to stop trying to meet some invisible expectation. When I let go of public perception, decisions are much simpler. The answer: Travel, like writing, makes me better. The same reason that I went, might be the same reason that another parent chooses to stay.

Nick and I are both a little better after an adventure than the version of ourselves who began. We push ourselves to new places, collect experiences, and step out of routine to look at a shiny new world.

And like that, the fear settled. It did not go away, but I was able to package it up and stow it beneath my seat. I still cried on the way to the airport and I still felt a knot in my chest whenever a small child passed us on the streets of Europe. But as our train rolled through the Belgian countryside I felt light. I took in the beauty of the area and thought about telling Emaline all about this when she gets a little older.  

IAMSTERDAM

A real Belgian waffle

New Flemish friends in Bruges, Belgium 

Simplify: Simplify

Have you ever noticed that when something is on your mind that it starts to pop up everywhere? I don't know if that is what I am experiencing or if there has actually been a shift. But it feels like simple is the new buzzword. As though advertisers, marketers, writers, bloggers, etc have a new found focus on less.

And it makes sense. In a culture that is so inundated with... well, everything- a comforting sssshhhhh seems in order. A nod to say that it is okay to slow down, to look up from your phone, to hang out with the people in front of you without responding to that text right now.

I named my blog with the hope that I would pursue simplicity. And for the first time, I am. A few months ago, I stumbled upon minimalism and was inspired. I love reading the blogs, some are too intense for me, but they all have something to offer. (You can see the ones I read if you scroll down to my favorite blogs.)  I am not a minimalist but I'm leaning in and learning more. The ideas are refreshing.

I have been going through my belongings, picking up each item and thinking about the why. We have moved twice in the past year and I am astounded what made it through the transition. Items that have been dragging along behind me, slowing me down. CDs, old books, worn clothes, extra sets, abandoned electronics. It takes time to clear away and to decide. Sometimes I come back to something two or three times, to dig a little deeper- donate, sell, give away

It is nice to shed the weight, the stuff. I watch it fall away and once gone, it is forgotten. I do not regret anything that I let go. It is not easy but it is addicting and liberating! I am clearing space to discover what is useful and beautiful.

This doesn't mean I won't buy things or that our walls will be empty. It does mean that my purchases will be intentional. And Emaline's stuff has mostly been untouched. Her closet, toy boxes, and bookshelves remain full. If she uses it, it has a place.

In doing this, I feel closer to creating the home that is right for my family.

Less to clean, organize, wash, fold. Less looking for misplaced items. Fewer boxes, fewer distractions. More reading to Emaline, more chances to write. More time with the people I love.

Previous entries on Simplicity.