Unexpected Story: Wine Glasses

Last date in Observatory Park in 2004

In November 2004, Nick and I went on a date in Sydney. It was our last date before the end of our trip. The end of the five months when we met, fell in love, and went on the most incredible adventures. We walked the streets that had become so familiar and stopped in a number of stores to gather items for a picnic. We even stopped in a small gift shop and purchased two beautifully painted wine glasses. Late that afternoon we headed to our favorite park in the city and stayed for hours. We drank wine out of our new glasses, watched the sunset, and talked about what would happen next.

A week later, Nick left Australia. When I returned to my dorm room after saying goodbye, I found a note on my desk. In it, he explained that since we couldn't be in the same place right now, our wine glasses would stay together and we would pass them between us. Since we had planned that I would visit him in Minnesota over the New Year, he would bring the glasses home with him until that time, and so on.

New Year's Eve Party 2005. Australian wine glasses.

Sure enough, on December 31st Nick and I were at party in Minnesota. I was meeting all of his friends and we were drinking from our wine glasses painted with aboriginal art. A few hours and glasses of wine later, my glass was sitting on the kitchen counter when a girl swung her arms out. I watched, as if in slow motion, as my glass shot across the granite and shattered on the floor. Without a thought of composure, I crumpled over the broken shards and cried. I unintentionally made a small scene in front of Nick's friends who did not yet know me. Only a few seconds passed before embarrassment overshadowed my disappointment and I rushed out of the room.

In my absence, Nick's sweet friend, Myles found a tupperware container and swept the pieces into it for me. After I returned to the kitchen, explained myself, reassured everyone that I was fine, and cradled the plastic container- the party resumed.

When I left Minnesota at the end of that week, I did bring the intact wine glass and the tupperware container back to Boston in my suitcase. When I got home, they were packed in a box of fragile items and for years, every move, every apartment, the glass and the tupperware moved with me and then with us.

A few days ago, as I wrote about in this post, I pulled the glass and the tupperware out of the box. I decided that we should start using the one that is not broken and either make something with the broken pieces or finally toss it out.

Last night, we used the glass for the first time in eleven years and right before we went to bed, Nick knocked the glass off a table and it broke into pieces.

I did not crumple. I did not cry. But it wasn't until this morning that I started to laugh about all of this. So now I ask, does anybody have any experience with mosaic?

Both glasses in the tupperware.

Travel: Like Writing

Bruges, Belgium. 

 On a Wednesday evening a few weeks ago, Nick and I left Emaline with my parents and boarded a plane to Amsterdam. As the trip neared, I received one of two questions: "Are you excited?" or "Are you scared to leave Emaline?" I have never been good at answering questions of this type. The honest response is trickier than expected so I just say "yes."

Emaline carried my picture in her pocket the day before I came home.

I thought about not going. I allowed waves of guilt and fear to follow me around. I polled friends and family expecting somebody to tell me what I wanted to hear. I looked at my child and knew that I would not see anything in this world as wonderful as her little face. I could not imagine being away from her for six days because we are always together and I don't want to miss even a minor change. It happens so quick. But as I lifted her from my shoulder and placed her in bed, I thought about how I wanted her to see me.

I paused the fear and the judgement and just focused on her and I. And I realized that I need to give her the best version of myself. And for me, part of that is travel.

I recently read Yes Please  and the words that stick with me are, "good for you, not for me." How I parent is not the same as how you parent. How I live my life is not the same as you live your life. And that's totally cool! I need to stop trying to meet some invisible expectation. When I let go of public perception, decisions are much simpler. The answer: Travel, like writing, makes me better. The same reason that I went, might be the same reason that another parent chooses to stay.

Nick and I are both a little better after an adventure than the version of ourselves who began. We push ourselves to new places, collect experiences, and step out of routine to look at a shiny new world.

And like that, the fear settled. It did not go away, but I was able to package it up and stow it beneath my seat. I still cried on the way to the airport and I still felt a knot in my chest whenever a small child passed us on the streets of Europe. But as our train rolled through the Belgian countryside I felt light. I took in the beauty of the area and thought about telling Emaline all about this when she gets a little older.  

IAMSTERDAM

A real Belgian waffle

New Flemish friends in Bruges, Belgium 

New Year: One Word

A few weeks ago, I told Nick about an author who intentionally lives each year carrying a one word theme. Growth. Change. Fun.

Nick caught me off guard today by asking if I chose my word. It was an interesting idea but I hadn't intended to pick a word. Usually I am able to identify themes only in hindsight, after the surprise twists of time begin to make sense. But as he asked me, the word rolled forward as though called upon and letters bolded in my mind.

Balance.

A little bit more and a little bit less of all of the parts of my life that matter. I walk a tightrope carrying all of the things that I hold dear. It is easy to forget to look up, to lose my footing, to not stop for a breath. Balance.

Happy 2015. May you find your word, whether you know it or not.  


Also, I keep thinking about this post from a few years ago and this one as well.

August 20th: Adventure

Today is our wedding anniversary. Three years. When we got married, I remember telling people that we were also going to continue celebrating our dating anniversary because for us, married three years also means together for ten. And that is something to celebrate.

August 20th, 2004

August 20, 2011

This year has been a wild ride. We survived the harshest winter I have ever known. And when spring finally arrived, we stumbled onto an opportunity for major change. We moved to Portsmouth, New Hampshire from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Nick switched careers. We bought our first home. Our baby girl celebrated her first birthday. And much more.

I always knew that Nick and I would travel, explore the world, and search out new experiences. This last year has taught us that some of life's greatest adventures happen without plane tickets and luggage. They can occur without leaving home. Creating a family, building a life together, is more splendid than the gardens of Paris, the mountains of Peru, the outback of Australia.

Thank you Nick for being my adventure partner. Happy Anniversary.

Pause: Unplanned

 It is Saturday night and I am home thinking about health, wellness, and what's next.

The last few weeks have thrown a number of surprising twists. Unfortunately, most of them have been difficult.

And when you are getting shuffled by life, you hold onto comforts and wait for the ground to stabilize.

Nick and I planned to use this weekend to recover. We wanted to find a nice balance between socializing with friends and family downtime. We had a plethora of potential plans this weekend. So many possibilities that I was overwhelmed at how to spend our time.

It was all for nothing because everything fell through. We turned down some plans and others were cancelled on us. Today's plans got cancelled and uncancelled and cancelled again when Nick came down with a stomach bug. And so I am home, nursing a baby and watching Emaline.

It is not the weekend we intended but maybe, instead of fighting the waves, we need to turn around and let the tide take us back to shore.

No matter what, this girl always makes me happy.

Birth Certificate: Naming a Person

Our baby girl had a first name long before we met her.

First day home.

As I mentioned in this post, we had a name picked out for a girl but not a boy. We came up with the name maybe even before we were married. I remember shortly after we got engaged, we were in a bar in Madison, Wisconsin and were talking names. And again when we were out to dinner in Stillwater, Minnesota. It seems that the conversations always happen when we get away from home. When we can daydream about the future.

Emaline is a song by Ben Folds. That is where we found the name. As you will hear in the song, her name is pronounced Emma-line. Line rhymes with fine or mine.

I love her name and it fits her well. I'm sure she will earn nicknames as she gets older but for now she's just my Emaline. 

Her middle name took us much longer. We filled out her birth certificate at the last possible moment and even then, were unsure. And when I say we, I really mean that I was not sure.

I thought I knew what her middle name would be months earlier. I had picked one that sounded pretty. But Nick wanted her name to mean something. He wanted family names. His Grandma Valley passed away in November and she meant the world to Nick. He had his heart set on Joann.

My Grandpa Rice passed away when I was 15. He was a poet and a builder and a man of great character. I had always planned to use his name. I thought it would be the middle name of a son but when Nick suggested otherwise, my heart latched onto Gardner.

And so she became:  

Emaline Joann Gardner Valley

Those are her arms inside sleeves that are much too big for her.

Birth Day: Emaline Joann Gardner Valley

Our baby girl arrived in the world on May 13th at 4:01pm.

She weighed in at 6 lbs 4 oz and was 18.6 inches long. Our doctor declared her to be a healthy peanut.

Labor was 10 hours.

Nick was, of course, by my side through everything. He fed me ice chips, rubbed my back, read me messages from friends and family, counted with me, and cried with me the first time we saw our little girl.

The overall labor and delivery experience was more positive than I imagined. The pain was worse.

I had back labor and it was excruciating. At the end of every contraction I collapsed into myself and waited for the next. I swore a lot.

Bless every woman who ventures through labor without an epidural. That woman will never be me.

Epidurals are amazing. Once that was in place, we put on music and I was able to rest a little.

My doctor was great but the nurses were the real rockstars. The few women who watched over me will forever have my gratitude.

At one point, lost in the pain, I forgot why I was there. But when the nurse started warming blankets to prepare for a tiny human to enter the world, it refocused my energy and I cried from excitement.

My Mom and Dad boarded a plane that morning and arrived at the hospital one hour before she was born. My Mom was in the room when her granddaughter arrived.

Nothing in my life will ever compare to seeing my baby for the first time. It was magical and amazing. Somebody told me to look up and when I did, they were holding her above me. She was here! She was healthy and beautiful and mine! They dropped her on my chest and I sobbed.

Everything else faded away. I only remember holding her in total disbelief. I loved her immediately.

Each day is something new and we are still learning to navigate this life. I have a lot more to share but she just started crying so I will leave you with photos since that's probably what you came here for anyway.

 

Coincidence: Clues and Cues

Inspired by a recent episode of This American Life, I have been thinking a lot about coincidence. I love stories that unite random moments and chance meetings. I am fascinated by unexpected examples of connection that offer temporary proof of a meaningful life.

Since listening to the episode, I am trying to recall the coincidences that have happened to me. I came up with five examples. I ran the anecdotes by Nick and he questioned if they were all illustrations of coincidence. In his opinion, luck and serendipity were at work in a few.

However you want to classify them, these accounts have been plucked from obscurity to represent meaning. Some happened years ago and still, I hold them close to my heart. They have shone a light on ordinary days and created a memory that lives to provide significance.

My most recent instance occurred just a few weeks ago.

When we were in Boston, Nick and I went to a friend's for dinner. It was a forty minute drive from my parents' house and one town over from where my Mom grew up. The streets that take you from the main road to our destination were windy, wooded, and on this night, very snowy. We used Nick's phone for directions and planned on using it for the return trip. When we got out to the car, the map failed to find our location.

We tried to remember our way out and made guesses with each turn. After maybe ten minutes, I knew we were off track. The weather and the narrow roads made it too dangerous to pull over. We finally came upon an opening in the road, a small convenience store parking lot. I parked and called my Mom, hoping the area would be familiar enough for her to direct us home.

I told her the road we had been driving on and the name of the convenience store. She asked for a street sign. Behind us, I saw a street post with two street names and arrows pointing in opposite directions. I read the names off to her. Her voice changed with recognition. She said the street names back with a tongue of familiarity. I confirmed the streets and she let out a breath. She then gave me easy directions to a road that I would know.

The next morning my Mom informed me that I was sitting directly in front of the house where my grandfather was born and raised.

In the episode, it is mentioned that the stories always feel more powerful when they happen to us.  It is hard to view your own life through an objective lens. We desire a life of value and these glimpses show us a path, a larger force at work.

Despite that truth, a quote at the end of the podcast brings together why these stories still matter.

"There's just a poetry to things like this when they happen. There's some kind of beauty in it. There's meaning in the noticing of it at all."

Nest: It's the Little Things

When we returned from the baby shower, I washed, sorted, and folded all of the tiny clothes. The crib and dresser will not come in for another 7-9 weeks (who's worried?) so I stacked them in a laundry basket in the baby's closet.

I am deep in the throes of nesting. I want to spend all my time preparing and I get anxious when there is nothing for me to do.

I have to wait for her crib and dresser. I am waiting for a shipment from my Mom with the items we could not pack into our suitcases after the shower. Nick and I have implemented a budget and I am trying to wait until the end of the month to spend money on other baby items (shelf, baskets, curtains, blinds). So right now, I am stuck. I keep measuring her room to see how everything will fit. And sometimes, I just sit in there and look around. Do I sound crazy yet?

As for her tiny clothes- so. much. pink. I knew it was going to happen and I absolutely do not mind but I do love when clothes can be really cute or girly without being pink. It shows a little creativity. My absolute favorite is when clothes have ruffles on the butt.

And a few weeks ago, I found the below image on pinterest. I fell in love. It made me think about summer. I would have purchased it on the spot except it turned out to be instructions on how to sew the outfit. Not going to happen.

 The socks are impossibly small. We did already lose one (it has since been recovered) but I know it's just a matter of time before they start slipping into the land of the missing. I plan on using this clever idea to help mitigate our losses.

The other thing that I want to address is the registry. It is a lot of work.

It is nothing like registering for a wedding. Your wedding is all about things you want. Oh that rug is pretty, check. It is awesome. You get nice towels and matching bowls and it is important, but you are adding things to the life that you currently have. (Example: Nick and I love hosting dinner parties, we should get some items that we can use.)

 When you build a baby registry, it is a lot more involved. You are preparing for a life that you do not yet have. And you are asking for items that will help a tiny human live. (Example: I want to leave my house with this baby, I need to put it somewhere safe.)

Nick and I spent hours researching what we need. We read hundreds of amazon reviews and reached out to friends and family with questions. So much thought went into every item we added. So it shocked me when a friend told me she had trouble picking something out for us because "there wasn't anything special on the registry". I know what she meant and it is a thought I have had before when looking at other registries. But I can tell you now, every item on that registry is special. Changing pads might not be glamorous but I need to put my baby down on something so that I can keep that pretty rug.



 Speaking of special gifts, for my birthday Nick gave me Make Way for Ducklings. If you grew up in New England, chances are you had this book. And if you grew up in Boston, chances are this book was cause for a field trip. If you have no idea what I am talking about, buy this book for a child in your life and then go to the Public Garden in Boston. I posted a picture of them on this blog post.

Nick and I had our wedding photos done in that park.

Also there's this:

 

The Observation: Writing on the Wall

The other night I was up really late. Nick and I had gone upstairs relatively early and we were both reading. Nick was reading from his Calvin and Hobbes anthology and I started reading The fault in Our Stars.

A few years ago for Christmas, I bought Nick the complete works of Calvin and Hobbes. Yes, the comic. It came in a box set. There are three hardcover books and I would guess that each book weighs twenty pounds. He loves it! That night he carried the entire set upstairs and said this is what he planned to read to our baby.

As he laid beside me holding up twenty pounds of cartoon, he was laughing out loud. Every once in a while he would ask me to read a section. They are funny, I like them, but he likes it to another level.

In a completely different mindset, I was beside him with The Fault in Our Stars. It pulled me in early on and would not let go. I finished the book in less than 24 hours. The story is a little dark as it is dealing with teenagers who are battling cancer. It is beautifully written. The dialogue is so sharp that the characters easily come to life. I was up reading long after Nick fell asleep.

 At 2:30am, I got up to use the bathroom. I was washing my hands when I noticed writing on the wall. In blue marker, Nick had labeled the items on the sink and had drawn arrows pointing to them. My first thought was how strange that I had not noticed this when I first walked into the room. My second thought was why on earth had he written on his bathroom wall?

 I stepped back to think about this, when I noticed more writing! On the wall directly across from the toilet (the wall you look at if you are sitting on the toilet) was an assortment of strange quotes and a drawing of Calvin from Calvin and Hobbes.

My tired mind started thinking about ghosts again. I could not process that I had not noticed all of this when I first entered the room. But really, I knew my husband was to blame. I still thought there must be a reason. His engineer mind must have thought up some practical application.

I woke Nick up to ask him about the midnight scrawling. He just laughed. When pressed on why he covered his bathroom in blue marker, "It was fun. As soon as I realized that I could write on the walls, I decided to do it."

"Are you going to erase it?" I asked.

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe I'll get a different colored marker and add to it."

 And people think that I am the goofy one??

After note: I am bothered by my lack of observation. I took this quiz and failed. What other things am I missing? You should take it too!

Being Honest: 22 Weeks

Kaleb and Colin letting me practice.

I have been so tired all day today. I went grocery shopping and bought a latte. I have been sipping on it for three hours. I am trying to find that sweet spot between caffeinated and jittery. It is harder than it should be.

I try not to complain about pregnancy too much because I know that I am lucky to be able to experience this odd journey and I know that plenty of women have it a lot tougher that I do. That being said, my truth is that I really dislike being pregnant!

My best friend has asked that I document this journey so that she has a personal reference when it is her turn. I don't think complaining is what she meant but there is a lot of this process that goes unsaid and I want her to know that whatever she is feeling, is okay.

I am very excited to be a Mom, to have a daughter, to watch Nick be a Dad. I know it will be tough when she is here. I know my life will change in ways I can not grasp. I know that I will be exhausted and pushed to my limits. And as Nick's Dad likes to remind us, I know I will get poop under my fingernails.  Being a parent will have challenges and I am sure I will write all about it. But now I am strictly talking about the nine months of carrying baby.

First ever instagram photo of self. Harder than I thought it would be.

 Being pregnant is strange and foreign and more difficult than I expected. It is different for everybody. But for me, it is hard. My friend Abbie was the first person to tell me that is was okay to not enjoy pregnancy. She admitted that she hated it and her honesty brought me so much relief.

To put it simply, I do not feel like myself.

It is a challenge to both the mind and body. My emotions are all over the board. Tears are brought on by the stupidest things. I have cried on more than one occasion just from singing along with the radio, song subject is irrelevant.

My clothes do not fit right. The body I am working with is not the body that I know. If you lose or gain weight, you still know your shape. Pregnancy changes that. It leaves me not knowing how to dress myself and that creates frustration.

Food could really have it's own post. It is such a struggle! I have always thought that would be a fun perk of pregnancy. But I almost never know what I want to eat and when I do make a decision, it is a gamble as to whether it will actually taste good. Something that was appealing yesterday, today might make me gag just thinking about it.

The first trimester felt like I had the flu all of the time. I never wanted to eat. I carried gingerale and saltines with me at all times. My appetite started coming back around 12-14 weeks and for a while after that Nick would tell me that seeing me eat made him happy. I guess things were rough for him too.

Everybody will tell you that the second trimester is better and it is. Fewer stretching pains and less nausea. The second trimester also brought a lot of headaches and a rarer pregnancy side effect, intense itching when I try to sleep. Yes, itching. It is my body's reaction to all of the hormones.

The best parts, so far, of this process also happen in the second trimester. I started to feel her move around 18 weeks and now at almost 23 weeks, I feel her everyday. I love it so much. It is comforting and makes me feel connected. The other best part was finding out that we are having a girl! 

The ultrasound that shows gender, is much more. It is really an extensive look at all of her development. It was amazing! My favorite was seeing the 3-D image of her rib cage and spine. I could not help looking over at Nick and reminding him, "Hey, I built that!"

A few hours after the appointment, my doctor called. She let me know that baby is perfect but that I have placenta plevia. It means that my placenta is too close to the cervix. There is a strong chance, that as I grow, it will move away. If it does not, I will have to have a c-section and I may end up delivering earlier than expected. It also increases the risk of bleeding. I will know more at 28 weeks when we have another ultrasound.  Until then, I have to take it easier than I would like. As my doctor put it, I am not on bed rest but my cervix is.

It is a complication that I can handle. I am grateful that we have the technology to detect these problems and I remind myself that years ago I would not know to change my habits.

I am figuring this out and it helps to share some of my struggles. It is Friday evening and Nick just got home. I am going to fill up a wine glass with juice. Have I told you how much I miss wine? Because I miss it SO MUCH!

PSA: More than Just Loose Change

I recently said to a friend that I wonder if our house is haunted. At night I hear noises as though someone is moving around downstairs and things have started to go missing. My Nook disappeared out of thin air. It has been gone since March. I have torn the house apart looking for it and, nothing. The day after I was talking about the possibilities of spirits in my living room, the AppleTV remote went missing. The product does not function without the remote so Nick and I went crazy looking for it. It's is small and skinny and we only keep it in a five-foot radius of the television.

I started moving the television and pushing cables around. I pulled out a flashlight and investigated our media console. Nick sat on the couch and dug his arms down into the material. The couch is a leather recliner and has really deep pockets and lots of hidden space. He pulled out a sock, a dryer sheet, and then his eyes lit up. "You'll never believe what I have my hands on." He said, arms buried to his elbows and twisted to his side. Slowly he released his arms from the grip of the couch to reveal my Nook! In disbelief, I lifted it out of the turquoise case and turned it on. The story I was reading last March, flickered on before the battery shut off.

I gave up my post at the console and took a seat on the couch, digging my arms into each crevice. Within moments I had my hands wrapped around the remote. It was jammed between some bars and took some maneuvering but I was able to remove it from the jaws of a convertible abyss.

It is hard now to sit on this couch with the same comfort as before. I wonder what else is in there, what has fallen to a spot that I have not yet reached. Nick and I joke about taking it apart but i don't think we actually can.

I am relieved the mystery to our disappearing items has been resolved but now I don't trust my couch and that is stranger than ghosts.

2012: Something Else

Photo c/o LivingIf.com

This year is harder to sum up than I thought it would be. There are a few obvious changes that have taken place but I don't think the shift will be completely realized until I am further away from now.

Nick and I started 2012 in such a major way that the year had to be one worth remembering. We were on the roof of our condo in Sydney with some of our greatest friends watching the most amazing fireworks explode over the harbour.

In the weeks that followed Nick and I traveled around Australia visiting old haunts and discovering new treasures. I navigated around Sydney as though I'd been gone for seven days, not seven years. I sat in front of the Opera House and was mistaken for an Australian (woohoo).

Standing in front of my old apartment.

We traveled to Maggie, a tiny island close to the Great Barrier Reef. We hiked to see koalas in the wild and swam on a secluded beach. Nick and I fell in love with the country all over again and made promises to return as often as possible throughout our lives.

Our park on our last night in Sydney.

 A few weeks after Nick and I returned home, I was able to make the final payment on my car loan and my credit card, making 2012 the year that I got to declare myself debt free! It was a goal I worked on for two years and it was incredible to finally check it off.

 In April, we traveled to Mexico for a friend's wedding.  It was beautiful and crazy. Much of our time was spent swimming and drinking but we also took time to visit caves, read in our hammock, snorkel, eat great food, and dance to techno. It was fun to be at a resort with friends and I hope for more trips like that (less tequila) in the future.

I bought a bike this summer and accomplished a 40 and 50 mile ride. Those were a little rough but the shorter trips on the local bike paths were really fun.

 In July, I ran my first 5K. I do not think I could have picked a better first race. We ran/walked the color run! It was a blast. Post-baby, I hope to make races a bigger part of my life.

Elise, Sam, and I. We biked to the run and went swimming after so it was our own version of a triathlon.

Also in July, I took a huge leap and quit my job in order to write full time!! It was awesome! I miss a lot of the people but not my job at all. I have written about it a number of times so I will keep it simple and say- we made the right choice.

With my new schedule, I took ten days at the end of July and beginning of August to go down the Cape with my Dad and help him take care of my Nana. I wrote about that here.

At the end of August and beginning of September, Nick and I went to London and Paris. You can read more about that here. It was our first time in either place and we loved every minute of it.

At the end of September, I found out I was pregnant. It rocked our world. Seeing her ultrasound for the first time, pushed the fear aside to make room for excitement. Disbelief still tries to sneak in, but a steady heartbeat and a growing bump, tell us it is real. We welcome Baby Girl in May!

Mixed with our wonderful news, the fall also brought loss. In October, Duke passed away after being sick for only a few days. It was heartbreaking and we miss him still. At the end of the month, Nick and I flew to Ohio to spend time with Kris and Steve.

The day I returned home from Ohio, Nick's grandmother had a stroke. We spent the next few weeks visiting her in the hospital. She lost the ability to communicate but could hear us and was able to squeeze our hands. A few days before Thanksgiving, she succumbed to her injuries and the world truly lost an angel.

In December, we were able to find out the gender of Baby Valley. Grandma Valley, in the weeks before her stroke, told us emphatically that we were to have a girl. When we went to visit her in the hospital, Nick whispered our girl name. When we went in for the ultrasound, the lady asked me if we had a name. I told her we did if it was a girl and explained. She responded, "Grandma was right!"

Of course she was, how could it be anything else. It was a moment of Grace and knowing that we are to have a little girl is so amazing. It makes me smile, it makes me cry. A few days later, we went to visit our families and shared the news.

Home for Christmas with my parents.

 I wish I had an eloquent way to wrap up this year, to make the loss and the change all mean something. Someday I will look back and see it more clearly. But I have never been so excited to welcome a new year!