Parenting: A Little Crunchy

A few weeks ago, a mom friend was telling me about the health reset she was leading at her gym. I mentioned that I could use something like that and she commented that I already practice some of what she was teaching and that I was "a little crunchy". She did not mean it in a negative way but it gave me pause. I had never thought of myself as crunchy. In that moment, I could see myself as she did- Emaline and I cook homemade granola for goodness sake!

As somebody who overthinks things, the phrase tossed in my mind. I was stuck, not on whether she was right but when did this happen? I had not always been this way. I used to not read labels or think twice about where my money went. I used to think a bagel for breakfast and frozen pizza for dinner constituted a well-balanced diet. But somewhere, something changed.

And I began to hear myself: talk about the food we eat, the products I purchase, my desire to buy and own less, and my hope that the planet begins to tilt in a more conscious way.

I have to admit, it does sound a little crunchy.

But it's not. Not really. It is just wanting better. It is being aware of the problems that we face and wanting to make changes to make the world a happier, healthier, more peaceful place. If not for me, then for Emaline. 

I realized then when this happened: When I became a mom. 

I was eight months pregnant when my hometown was bombed. I have to shut the television off because the news is too much for a little person to see. The first time I fed my child a jar of baby food, a rash broke out on her face. The day she was born, I looked at her and knew I would do anything to keep her safe. The list goes on.

As a parent, your stake in the game changes. I feel responsible, not only for my child but the world that is left to her. And so things began to shift. It will never be perfect but I can never stop trying. 

Change requires making conscious decisions, small choices over and over that will improve her life today and tomorrow. I am striving for something better and I think things like kindness, generosity, and taking care of our planet are keys to getting there. I also love homemade granola. So I guess I am a little crunchy.

Unexpected Story: Wine Glasses

Last date in Observatory Park in 2004

In November 2004, Nick and I went on a date in Sydney. It was our last date before the end of our trip. The end of the five months when we met, fell in love, and went on the most incredible adventures. We walked the streets that had become so familiar and stopped in a number of stores to gather items for a picnic. We even stopped in a small gift shop and purchased two beautifully painted wine glasses. Late that afternoon we headed to our favorite park in the city and stayed for hours. We drank wine out of our new glasses, watched the sunset, and talked about what would happen next.

A week later, Nick left Australia. When I returned to my dorm room after saying goodbye, I found a note on my desk. In it, he explained that since we couldn't be in the same place right now, our wine glasses would stay together and we would pass them between us. Since we had planned that I would visit him in Minnesota over the New Year, he would bring the glasses home with him until that time, and so on.

New Year's Eve Party 2005. Australian wine glasses.

Sure enough, on December 31st Nick and I were at party in Minnesota. I was meeting all of his friends and we were drinking from our wine glasses painted with aboriginal art. A few hours and glasses of wine later, my glass was sitting on the kitchen counter when a girl swung her arms out. I watched, as if in slow motion, as my glass shot across the granite and shattered on the floor. Without a thought of composure, I crumpled over the broken shards and cried. I unintentionally made a small scene in front of Nick's friends who did not yet know me. Only a few seconds passed before embarrassment overshadowed my disappointment and I rushed out of the room.

In my absence, Nick's sweet friend, Myles found a tupperware container and swept the pieces into it for me. After I returned to the kitchen, explained myself, reassured everyone that I was fine, and cradled the plastic container- the party resumed.

When I left Minnesota at the end of that week, I did bring the intact wine glass and the tupperware container back to Boston in my suitcase. When I got home, they were packed in a box of fragile items and for years, every move, every apartment, the glass and the tupperware moved with me and then with us.

A few days ago, as I wrote about in this post, I pulled the glass and the tupperware out of the box. I decided that we should start using the one that is not broken and either make something with the broken pieces or finally toss it out.

Last night, we used the glass for the first time in eleven years and right before we went to bed, Nick knocked the glass off a table and it broke into pieces.

I did not crumple. I did not cry. But it wasn't until this morning that I started to laugh about all of this. So now I ask, does anybody have any experience with mosaic?

Both glasses in the tupperware.

Hard Words: What I Carry

I have to write a post. If I write one then I am able to write another and then another. I have not forgotten about my blog. I have avoided it.

My last grandparent, Nana Rice passed away in February and I knew that my next post had to address that loss and so I wrote nothing.

My Nana Rice lived her entire life on one street. Her family was very close and many of the cousins and siblings still live only a few houses away. The neighbors who were not relatives, soon became like family. My grandparents were the couple that hosted social events and included everyone. They loved traditions and big gatherings and thought nothing of throwing a last minute party.

Today is Easter. We spent it with my Mom's family, the people who are feeling her absence the most. My grandparents had four kids, 10 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. And when we are all together, we fill the room with stories, sarcasm, and laughter. It is easy to see that we are existing in a space crafted by my grandparents. And so it was nice. But it is still not easy.

My Nana was kind and generous and hilarious! Every time I was with her, she made me laugh. It was the way she observed the world. She said things in a straight forward manner and ended sentences with laughter. When she laughed, she scrunched her whole face as though she was crying. The harder she laughed, the more it appeared as though she was crying. My Mother does the same thing. It makes them look so sad when they are so joyously happy. And it makes everyone else laugh harder.

I swear she is laughing in this photo!

Her laughter was contagious and made everything feel lighter, more manageable.
The last time I saw her I asked, "How are you feeling?"
She answered, "Terrible!" But then she laughed. A sincere chuckle that made me wonder if she was actually fine or if she just knew how to find a moment for release.

I think of this small interaction often. I take so much from her. She was a woman that had it figured out: enjoy life, gather the people you care about most, raise a family that supports one another, and find laughter when nothing else can be done.

I love my family.

18 Months: Emaline Right Now

Like many parents, Nick and I started making guesses about Emaline's personality before we ever laid eyes on her. The surprising part is how much of what we thought is turning out to be true. She is sweet, loving, and affectionate. And at the same time, she is brave, stubborn, and active. She wants you to cuddle her when she first gets up and before she goes to bed. She offers hugs and kisses throughout the day. When she is upset, she will pat your back as you pat hers. Last week at her well-check (they're not called checkups anymore apparently), the nurse came in to administer shots and when she saw Emaline, turned to the other nurse and said, "She's little but this one is surprisingly strong." I was so proud.

Nicknames:
Baby J
Ema-J
Ema Jo
Embot
Monkey
Em
Ema
Emaloo
Loola

I wish I had been writing these updates all along, but right now is such a fun age. Emaline is so busy! She zips around the house on wobbly legs. She moves from one thing to the next as though she actually has something that must get done. She talks nonstop and will attempt to say any word you ask. She has probably 50 words and it grows everyday. She says "bless you" when I sneeze (but when you fake it, won't respond) and says "okay?" if she thinks I am hurt. And for awhile now, when she hands Nick and I anything, we say, "Thank you. You are so helpful". So now she searches for things to pick up and carry around saying, "helpful, helpful" (which sounds like (hapfoo, hapfoo). Laundry, dishes, any household chores, she wants her little hands in there. 

Favorite words:

Mama

Dada
Toby (Boby)
Baby
Nose
Eyes
No
Hi
Helpful
Grandpa (Gampa or Buppa)

Her favorite things are books and music. She loves to pull my books off the shelves and carries them around the house with her all day. She will sit with her own books and turn the pages. She will hand me stacks of books and then push her way onto my lap. She sings along with the radio, even if she's never heard the song. If she is upset in the car and we put on a song she likes, not only will she stop crying, she will start singing. She dances in the living room. And I know the current kick is no screen time but Sesame Street songs on YouTube and Play With Me Sesame on Sprout have gotten us through so many long days and rough nights. 

Favorite songs to sing:
ABCs
Twinkle Twinkle
Row Row
You are My Sunshine
Happy by Pharrell
Lost in My Mind by Head and the Heart
Halo by Beyonce
How Can You Swallow So Much Sleep by Bombay Bicycle Club

Did you miss: My attempt at changing the way I talk? The early days? 

August 20th: Adventure

Today is our wedding anniversary. Three years. When we got married, I remember telling people that we were also going to continue celebrating our dating anniversary because for us, married three years also means together for ten. And that is something to celebrate.

August 20th, 2004

August 20, 2011

This year has been a wild ride. We survived the harshest winter I have ever known. And when spring finally arrived, we stumbled onto an opportunity for major change. We moved to Portsmouth, New Hampshire from Minneapolis, Minnesota. Nick switched careers. We bought our first home. Our baby girl celebrated her first birthday. And much more.

I always knew that Nick and I would travel, explore the world, and search out new experiences. This last year has taught us that some of life's greatest adventures happen without plane tickets and luggage. They can occur without leaving home. Creating a family, building a life together, is more splendid than the gardens of Paris, the mountains of Peru, the outback of Australia.

Thank you Nick for being my adventure partner. Happy Anniversary.

Love & Loss: My Nana Hannon

Again I went silent. Not because I was keeping a secret, but rather the weight of what I had to say was heavier than my words allowed. I didn't want to just announce the passing of my Nana because I wanted to write in such a way that would honor her. But I know I cannot return to writing until I have shared this momentous loss. And I have realized that my words will never be strong enough to carry my love for her.

I wrote once before about my Nana and her battle with Alzheimer's. It was long and hard and she saw it coming long before it swept her away. She passed away on December 6th, 2013. She lived her last few months at my parent's house and I saw her only a few weeks prior to her death. My family provided care to her that no amount of money could bring. They tended to her with the love and grace that she lived. We knew she was close to the end but she had battled back so many times, it was hard to believe.

The last few days, I waited, knowing what was going to happen. But still, my heart broke when my mom called me on that Friday afternoon. I booked my ticket home and was on a plane the next morning with a baby in my arms.

There are many paragraphs that I have written about this but only a few that I will share. My Nana was many things and private was one of them. I will keep some of my favorite stories tucked away, never to forget.

My Nana was one of the best people I have ever known. She always made me feel loved and it warmed my heart to be in her presence. My Nana was the matriarch. She loved her family and even in sickness, kept us close. She was beautiful and always put together. She loved red lipstick and curlers. She was strong but never loud. She often spoke in a whisper. She loved music and had a pretty voice. She loved tea and toast with jam. She was funny and found laughter easily. She seemed to understand life and knew how to wave away worry. She loved the ocean. She was kind and stubborn and always wanted to help others. Even at the very end, knowing a child was near, made her smile.

She has always been my favorite person for advice. She told me to find a man that treats me well and who makes me laugh. She told me that having fun and laughter will always be important. She was speaking from experience. I asked her once, when her and my Grandpa fell in love. She said she didn't know. She said she didn't know when they met because he was around when they were both children. She remembered him playing baseball 
and that she always loved him. 
She said it so simply. 
It was as if there was no beginning 
and with that, 
no end. 

Sleepless Words: Free Pass

Emaline and I move through most days on a steady rhythm. There are smalls bumps and detours but we have learned each other. I know what she needs and how to soothe her. I know when she needs sleep and I know when we can play. And I knew yesterday that she just wanted to be held. Most of the day, everything was done with a baby in my arms. And as I held her and flipped through an old notebook, I found something I wrote when she was brand new. It is choppy and incomplete because so were my thoughts when this fell onto the page.

 When so much nothing is everything.

Days are filled to the brim. I move with intention and blurry focus. But when the sun settles for the night and my body curls into the dark, I search for something to show and have nothing new to present.

The baby sleeps and a growing to do list rattles my thoughts. Her tiny chest moves up and down. These are the days with a new baby.

This time is fleeting, so temporary, and so important that I carry a pass. A pass that allows one subject to press my mind and consume my heart.

But still, I search and yearn and promise that tomorrow there will be more.

Birth Day: Emaline Joann Gardner Valley

Our baby girl arrived in the world on May 13th at 4:01pm.

She weighed in at 6 lbs 4 oz and was 18.6 inches long. Our doctor declared her to be a healthy peanut.

Labor was 10 hours.

Nick was, of course, by my side through everything. He fed me ice chips, rubbed my back, read me messages from friends and family, counted with me, and cried with me the first time we saw our little girl.

The overall labor and delivery experience was more positive than I imagined. The pain was worse.

I had back labor and it was excruciating. At the end of every contraction I collapsed into myself and waited for the next. I swore a lot.

Bless every woman who ventures through labor without an epidural. That woman will never be me.

Epidurals are amazing. Once that was in place, we put on music and I was able to rest a little.

My doctor was great but the nurses were the real rockstars. The few women who watched over me will forever have my gratitude.

At one point, lost in the pain, I forgot why I was there. But when the nurse started warming blankets to prepare for a tiny human to enter the world, it refocused my energy and I cried from excitement.

My Mom and Dad boarded a plane that morning and arrived at the hospital one hour before she was born. My Mom was in the room when her granddaughter arrived.

Nothing in my life will ever compare to seeing my baby for the first time. It was magical and amazing. Somebody told me to look up and when I did, they were holding her above me. She was here! She was healthy and beautiful and mine! They dropped her on my chest and I sobbed.

Everything else faded away. I only remember holding her in total disbelief. I loved her immediately.

Each day is something new and we are still learning to navigate this life. I have a lot more to share but she just started crying so I will leave you with photos since that's probably what you came here for anyway.

 

The List: In One Year

 The summer after I graduated college, I was living at home and working my first full-time job. I was saving money and planning a move to Minnesota. I was figuring out life after college.

One day on my lunch break, I was reading in the cafeteria when I looked up to see a guy I knew. He was the friend of an ex-boyfriend and I knew he did not think highly of me. Still, it surprised me when we made eye contact and he stared at me with a look of hatred. He held my gaze for as long as I let him and his eyes burned with animosity. I could not stop thinking about it and by the time I left work that day, I felt sick.

It wasn't until that night, going over the image for the millionth time, that I realized something and just like that, let it go. I started thinking about everything that had happened since the last time I saw him. I realized that he did not know me, not really. A list of events from the last year started populating in my head, each one pushed me forward. And suddenly I was too far away to be touched, too far for his eyes and his anger to hurt me.

As soon as I realized this, I went to my computer and started typing. My intention was to write down all that happened and what came out was the list. Each item was a memory and a thousand stories. With every line, I recalled a moment, planned or unplanned, that had transported me. It was the sum of all these parts that reminded me of all that I had accomplished and all that I have left to do.

I shared the list with my parents and a few friends. When at the end of that summer, I packed up my car and moved halfway across the country, my mom presented the list to me in a frame. Again at my wedding, my older sister read the list in lieu of a speech. Today, as I cleaned my office to prepare for my parents to stay here after the baby is born, I found the framed copy. And again, I am reminded.   

In the past year I...
July 5, 2004- July 5, 2005

Traveled to another country alone

Lived in Australia

Learned another culture

Traveled the eastern Australian coast

Met amazing friends

Fell in love

Snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef

Held a koala

Hugged a kangaroo

Ate kangaroo

Danced on a fire bar

Chilled in an ice bar

Traveled to New Zealand

Went bungee jumping

Went white water rafting

Dove out of an airplane

Rode in a jet boat

Hiked up a glacier

Fell through ice

Conquered a fear

Flew in a helicopter

Climbed an iceberg

Tried absinthe

Went on a road trip

Played with dolphins

Stayed in a hostel

Learned to surf

Flew in 30 planes

Saw an opera in Sydney

Saw the Red Sox win the World Series

Traveled to Minnesota

Traveled to Wisconsin

Celebrated with a Valentine

Tried sushi

Lost a passport

Almost lost a loved one

Walked all night for Relay for Life

Did an internship

Wrote my thesis

Decided to move

Graduated college

Turned 22 

Showered: Boston Baby

 The last weekend in February, Nick and I flew to Boston for my baby shower. It was great to be home and strange to know that it was my last trip before the baby arrives. 

My Mom called a few days before we flew out to let me know that a snow storm was expected the night before and the day of the shower. We did not have options for changing dates, so I tried to not think much about the weather. As the day approached, the storm became eminent but the severity lessened.

Snow covered backyard.

 It was the kind of snow that stuck to the trees and made for a really pretty backdrop. In the end, it deterred only one guest. Friends and family arrived from Connecticut, New York, Cape Cod, New Hampshire, and all over Massachusetts. I am so grateful to have people in my life who are willing to travel and celebrate this exciting time. I also have to say how awesome my parents and sisters are for putting it all together. They cleaned, cooked, and decorated like crazy. My Dad spent hours shoveling snow banks so there would be enough parking spots. My Mom cooked almost all of the food by herself. My older sister filled the house with decorations. And my little sister picked up odd jobs and lent me shoes. And last but not least, Kaia placed her blanky across the couch in case anybody got tired and wanted to take a nap.

Tracey, Nana Rice, Mom, Me, Kaia, Christine

Love my friends!

Showers in my family do not entail any games. We gather, talk, eat, and drink. Other than the gift opening, it feels like a regular party. It is great and I'm glad that nobody had to guess how round I am. No offense to people who love games, it's just not my thing.

Photo taken before my Dad and b.i.l. snuck Nick out to the bar.

Kyla and Kaia

 I am also grateful to have little kids and babies to take some of the attention. I named Kaia "shower captain" and let her know that her job was to entertain people. At the last moment, she told me she wanted to be called "shower fairy" but would still help open the gifts. As people came in the door she would announce that "another customer arrived".

 Leaving Boston this time was really hard. Mainly, I have a hard time imagining all of the changes my life will take before I go home again. I will deliver a baby. I will become a mom. And I will have all of that happen while my family is far away. I always thought I would be back in Boston when this time came. But life has taken me somewhere unexpected. The shower in Boston was a great reminder of the support that I do have, even if I do not get to see those people everyday.

I cannot wait for summer and my next trip to Boston. I cannot wait to dress her in one of the many Red Sox onesies we received and bring her to the beach for the first time. When that happens, I will think back to now and although only a few months will have gone by, life will be so new and I will have traveled so far.  

30: Love Day and a List

 Here it is. While I slept last night, without so much as a goodbye, my twenties disappeared. I woke up and I am thirty. 

Nick took the day off and we are going to Stillwater for the afternoon. Tonight, I am going watch my friend Zacc's jazz show at the english pub up the street.  

And inspried by the list below, which is from this blog post,  Nick and I are roadtripping to Omaha tomorrow. Still taking any recommendations about the city...


Originally from January 2011:

Goals for the next 2 years and 2 months

(aka by the big 3-0):

• Travel to at least one new country We traveled to 3 new countries! England, France, and Mexico.
• Travel to at least five new states. We have traveled a lot but not to any new US states. 2/15 Omaha, Nebraska
• Return to Australia 
  

  

  
  
• Visit Great Ocean Road
  

  
• Attempt snowboarding. I would run out and check it off but alas, baby says no.
• Marry Nicholas  August 20th 2011
  
  

  

  
  
• Have a family plan Safe to say it is more of a countdown and less of a plan.
  

  
• Have a house plan.
• Make the big move. I don't know how I thought this would happen as Nick is still finishing his MBA but I suppose, a girl can dream.
• Run a half marathon. Dare I say next year?
• Attempt to write a book... just try
  
  
  Happy Valentine's Day Everyone!