Big Things: Focus

Portsmouth

This year, more than any other, seems to carry focus. Not because of some determined resolution but 

because of a path that I have slowly, oh so slowly, been wearing down and creating.

But before I can press my feet into the dirt and continue, I need to take a little bit of time to reflect. A year has ended and a new one has shuffled into place. In reflecting on 2015, the year of balance, it took me a moment to recognize the year as it was. Most of the changes, with some serious exception, are small. A few are light, simple, and fun. But my reason for creating a list is to provide a reminder, context. And in this post of introspection, I realize that 2015 was the year in which this quote proved true:





We rang in 2015 at our house with some of my best college friends. It was wonderful!

A few weeks later, Nick, Emaline, and I flew to Sanibel, Florida with my parents. We rode bikes, collected shells, watched sunsets, drank jai-alai, and swam in the ocean.

While we were there we found out that my Nana Rice was very sick. We wondered if we needed to return home early, but the decision was made for us when a massive snowstorm shut down New England. When we were able to get back,we spent time with my Nana before she passed away.

Nick pulling Emaline through the backyard of the house where my Mom grew up.

My Uncle Paul doing something on the roof. My Nana watching us through the window. The last day we saw her.

On my birthday, we said goodbye to my last grandparent. I wrote about her here. We spent the next few months buried in snow.

When finally the last bit of white melted away, we broke the record for the snowiest winter in Boston's recorded history. And moving forward from that hibernation, I realize now, how many small changes happened then:

• Started a number of house projects 
• Tended the yard and gardens around our home
• Discovered podcasts 
• Continued to simplify, declutter, and slow my home
• Began eating more fruits and veggies with a daily smoothie
• Got myself to enjoy black coffee
• Started wearing lipstick. (It only took me 32 years to decide that I liked the way it looked.) 
• Learned to like cooking a bit more and picked up a few recipes
• Took a painting class
• Attended networking events
• Found a workout class that I really enjoy and have stuck with it. Barre!

In May, we celebrated Emaline's second birthday with a big party at our house and got her a swing-set. A few weeks later, Nick had to go to Amsterdam for a work conference and I took the opportunity to join him. We left Emaline with my Mom and traveled Bruges and Amsterdam for six days. It was a great reminder how much Nick and I love to travel together and want that for our family in the years to come. We also:

• Traveled to Minneapolis three times
• Vacationed on the Cape
• Visited the National Seashore
• Hosted a number of family and friends

The day after we returned from Europe, the organization that I serve as a volunteer board member had our biggest event of the year! We shut down the main street in Portsmouth to host the Stiletto Sprint! A short race run in heels (men and women) to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters. It was an incredible event and I am so proud to be a part of it. In our last meeting, I agreed to take a higher position on the board for this coming year.

And at the end of the summer, I got an offer to join a long term writing project. An author who I love and respect is writing a historical fiction novel and has asked me to research and edit. I officially started on September 1st and it is the best!

In addition to this list, are the countless days I have spent with Emaline. Often we are in pajamas, playing hide and seek or babies or kitchen or coloring or singing or freeze dancing. I will admit that sometimes Emaline has to say "Mama, play with me!" before I decide that it is okay to stop what I am doing (this included) and be with her completely. But every night when I squeeze her in my arms before tucking her in, I know this is a time to cherish. And I do. She is no longer a baby but a little person. She is smart, funny, thoughtful, and curious. She counts, sings, knows her colors and letters, uses a high-pitched voice when we play pretend. Every day she does something that just pulls on my heart. This morning she hid stuffed animals in Nick's jacket pocket to surprise him when he went to work.

So 2016, I am ready for you. 2016 is the year of focus. Travel. Finances. Family. Friends. Writing.

Happy New Year!

Hard Words: What I Carry

I have to write a post. If I write one then I am able to write another and then another. I have not forgotten about my blog. I have avoided it.

My last grandparent, Nana Rice passed away in February and I knew that my next post had to address that loss and so I wrote nothing.

My Nana Rice lived her entire life on one street. Her family was very close and many of the cousins and siblings still live only a few houses away. The neighbors who were not relatives, soon became like family. My grandparents were the couple that hosted social events and included everyone. They loved traditions and big gatherings and thought nothing of throwing a last minute party.

Today is Easter. We spent it with my Mom's family, the people who are feeling her absence the most. My grandparents had four kids, 10 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. And when we are all together, we fill the room with stories, sarcasm, and laughter. It is easy to see that we are existing in a space crafted by my grandparents. And so it was nice. But it is still not easy.

My Nana was kind and generous and hilarious! Every time I was with her, she made me laugh. It was the way she observed the world. She said things in a straight forward manner and ended sentences with laughter. When she laughed, she scrunched her whole face as though she was crying. The harder she laughed, the more it appeared as though she was crying. My Mother does the same thing. It makes them look so sad when they are so joyously happy. And it makes everyone else laugh harder.

I swear she is laughing in this photo!

Her laughter was contagious and made everything feel lighter, more manageable.
The last time I saw her I asked, "How are you feeling?"
She answered, "Terrible!" But then she laughed. A sincere chuckle that made me wonder if she was actually fine or if she just knew how to find a moment for release.

I think of this small interaction often. I take so much from her. She was a woman that had it figured out: enjoy life, gather the people you care about most, raise a family that supports one another, and find laughter when nothing else can be done.

I love my family.

Love & Loss: My Nana Hannon

Again I went silent. Not because I was keeping a secret, but rather the weight of what I had to say was heavier than my words allowed. I didn't want to just announce the passing of my Nana because I wanted to write in such a way that would honor her. But I know I cannot return to writing until I have shared this momentous loss. And I have realized that my words will never be strong enough to carry my love for her.

I wrote once before about my Nana and her battle with Alzheimer's. It was long and hard and she saw it coming long before it swept her away. She passed away on December 6th, 2013. She lived her last few months at my parent's house and I saw her only a few weeks prior to her death. My family provided care to her that no amount of money could bring. They tended to her with the love and grace that she lived. We knew she was close to the end but she had battled back so many times, it was hard to believe.

The last few days, I waited, knowing what was going to happen. But still, my heart broke when my mom called me on that Friday afternoon. I booked my ticket home and was on a plane the next morning with a baby in my arms.

There are many paragraphs that I have written about this but only a few that I will share. My Nana was many things and private was one of them. I will keep some of my favorite stories tucked away, never to forget.

My Nana was one of the best people I have ever known. She always made me feel loved and it warmed my heart to be in her presence. My Nana was the matriarch. She loved her family and even in sickness, kept us close. She was beautiful and always put together. She loved red lipstick and curlers. She was strong but never loud. She often spoke in a whisper. She loved music and had a pretty voice. She loved tea and toast with jam. She was funny and found laughter easily. She seemed to understand life and knew how to wave away worry. She loved the ocean. She was kind and stubborn and always wanted to help others. Even at the very end, knowing a child was near, made her smile.

She has always been my favorite person for advice. She told me to find a man that treats me well and who makes me laugh. She told me that having fun and laughter will always be important. She was speaking from experience. I asked her once, when her and my Grandpa fell in love. She said she didn't know. She said she didn't know when they met because he was around when they were both children. She remembered him playing baseball 
and that she always loved him. 
She said it so simply. 
It was as if there was no beginning 
and with that, 
no end. 

Our Old Man: Duke

I am not ready to come back to blogging yet. I am taking an extended and purposeful break. I will come back soon but in the meantime,  I do have one thing that I want to share now. If you know me personally or are a friend on Facebook, you already know.

On Thursday night, after being sick for only a few days. Duke passed away at home. He was 16 years old. We adopted him from Nick's cousins when he was 12, so we have only known him as an old man. That he was sick, that he was old, that he went on his own- none of these things make any of this easier.

If you knew him, you liked him. Visitor's always liked him best right away. There is something about Toby's immediate barking that turns people off, at least for a little bit. Duke just sat back, waited for you to come to him. He was friendly and sweet and gentle and would sleep at your feet after knowing you for just a few minutes. He rarely barked, he liked everyone, and his favorite activities were finding the best spots to sleep, basking in the sun, and eating good food. He knew how to enjoy life. Maybe it was something that came with age, but he got it.

At my bachelorette party, he sought refuge under this umbrella.

Christmas party, most comfortable spot was this single piece of tissue paper.

His last few weeks, he was spending more and more time outside. I would let him outside at 9 or 10 in the morning and at 2 or 3, I would go outside to check on him. The days were getting colder and it was weird that he had not asked to come in. Every time, I found him on the grass, paws stretched in front of him and head lifted to the sun. If I went back out an hour later, new spot, same position. 

He was fairly independent but there were exceptions. He always expected cuddles after a bath and in the last few years, scratched the couch until you pulled him up. His favorite way to cuddle on the couch was to have me squish him behind me, as though he was the big spoon. One time at my birthday party, people were leaning on him thinking he was a pillow. He did not mind but imagine their surprise!

After a bath.

Squeezing in for cuddles.

He was funny in really odd ways. On walks he had no regard for where he went the bathroom. On more than one occasion, he stopped and went in the middle of the street. The waiting cars had no choice but to watch as I quickly cleaned up before moving along..

One time at a friend's barbecue, we were keeping a close eye on Toby (he is known for causing trouble) while Duke roamed the yard. Toward the end of the evening, our hostess shouted in Duke's direction. I looked over to find him rolling in her mint plant. He smelled so good when I pulled him off but I do not know if she ever put those fur covered leaves in the intended mojitos. He smelled like tooth paste for days.

Duke and I did the Walk for Animals maybe 3 years ago. Even then, he was so slow. Like driving with hazard lights on, we kept having to tell people to just go around us. Still he loved it and we walked over 5 miles.

Duke proudly sporting his bandanna after the walk for animals.

 When we first adopted him, he used to hump buckets and planters. He was neutered but could not resist a good pot or empty bucket. It was odd and kinda gross, but really funny.

Watching the Puppy Bowl was one of the few things that really riled him up!

Because he was old and always mellow he got away with a lot. When he heard the dishwasher open, he always came to the kitchen hoping to find some food. It could only have been a few weeks ago that I turned my back, he got his front paws in the dishwasher and was licking dirty spoons. I think it was the same week, I left a kitchen trash bag outside the door to carry out. I went out an hour or so later to find the paper bag torn to shreds and Duke passed out beside a torn paper towel. I would always tell him he knew better in a stern voice as I tried to hold back laughter.

This is the first time that I have gone through this as an adult. It does not get easier. Maybe, it is even harder. I miss him more than I can stand. Everything reminds me of him and most of the time, I think he is napping in the other room.

He was not like most dogs in that he did not so freely give his complete love and trust. It felt like when we adopted him, that we had to earn it. He was set in his ways and not about to change for us. It took time but it was fun these past 4 and a half years watching that relationship grow. I know how much he loved us and I am so grateful that we had the chance to love him.

The only way they would cuddle was butt to butt. Brothers!