Big Things: Focus

Portsmouth

This year, more than any other, seems to carry focus. Not because of some determined resolution but 

because of a path that I have slowly, oh so slowly, been wearing down and creating.

But before I can press my feet into the dirt and continue, I need to take a little bit of time to reflect. A year has ended and a new one has shuffled into place. In reflecting on 2015, the year of balance, it took me a moment to recognize the year as it was. Most of the changes, with some serious exception, are small. A few are light, simple, and fun. But my reason for creating a list is to provide a reminder, context. And in this post of introspection, I realize that 2015 was the year in which this quote proved true:





We rang in 2015 at our house with some of my best college friends. It was wonderful!

A few weeks later, Nick, Emaline, and I flew to Sanibel, Florida with my parents. We rode bikes, collected shells, watched sunsets, drank jai-alai, and swam in the ocean.

While we were there we found out that my Nana Rice was very sick. We wondered if we needed to return home early, but the decision was made for us when a massive snowstorm shut down New England. When we were able to get back,we spent time with my Nana before she passed away.

Nick pulling Emaline through the backyard of the house where my Mom grew up.

My Uncle Paul doing something on the roof. My Nana watching us through the window. The last day we saw her.

On my birthday, we said goodbye to my last grandparent. I wrote about her here. We spent the next few months buried in snow.

When finally the last bit of white melted away, we broke the record for the snowiest winter in Boston's recorded history. And moving forward from that hibernation, I realize now, how many small changes happened then:

• Started a number of house projects 
• Tended the yard and gardens around our home
• Discovered podcasts 
• Continued to simplify, declutter, and slow my home
• Began eating more fruits and veggies with a daily smoothie
• Got myself to enjoy black coffee
• Started wearing lipstick. (It only took me 32 years to decide that I liked the way it looked.) 
• Learned to like cooking a bit more and picked up a few recipes
• Took a painting class
• Attended networking events
• Found a workout class that I really enjoy and have stuck with it. Barre!

In May, we celebrated Emaline's second birthday with a big party at our house and got her a swing-set. A few weeks later, Nick had to go to Amsterdam for a work conference and I took the opportunity to join him. We left Emaline with my Mom and traveled Bruges and Amsterdam for six days. It was a great reminder how much Nick and I love to travel together and want that for our family in the years to come. We also:

• Traveled to Minneapolis three times
• Vacationed on the Cape
• Visited the National Seashore
• Hosted a number of family and friends

The day after we returned from Europe, the organization that I serve as a volunteer board member had our biggest event of the year! We shut down the main street in Portsmouth to host the Stiletto Sprint! A short race run in heels (men and women) to raise money for Big Brothers Big Sisters. It was an incredible event and I am so proud to be a part of it. In our last meeting, I agreed to take a higher position on the board for this coming year.

And at the end of the summer, I got an offer to join a long term writing project. An author who I love and respect is writing a historical fiction novel and has asked me to research and edit. I officially started on September 1st and it is the best!

In addition to this list, are the countless days I have spent with Emaline. Often we are in pajamas, playing hide and seek or babies or kitchen or coloring or singing or freeze dancing. I will admit that sometimes Emaline has to say "Mama, play with me!" before I decide that it is okay to stop what I am doing (this included) and be with her completely. But every night when I squeeze her in my arms before tucking her in, I know this is a time to cherish. And I do. She is no longer a baby but a little person. She is smart, funny, thoughtful, and curious. She counts, sings, knows her colors and letters, uses a high-pitched voice when we play pretend. Every day she does something that just pulls on my heart. This morning she hid stuffed animals in Nick's jacket pocket to surprise him when he went to work.

So 2016, I am ready for you. 2016 is the year of focus. Travel. Finances. Family. Friends. Writing.

Happy New Year!

Summer: Full House

This shall be known as the summer of hosting!

I typically feel guilt when this much time passes without showing my blog some love but this summer was full (hard to believe it's almost a year since this) and the time that I did have to write, I gave to my novel.

The house is quiet for the moment and we have fallen back into a rhythm. But as I notice the date, it seems to signify the end of summer. So I pause to take stock of my favorite season.

As a family we managed one trip to Minnesota, three trips to Cape Cod, numerous beach days, countless hours of yard work, and five (soon to be six) sets of visitors!

We have had house guests nearly nonstop since the beginning of July. As a result, everything has existed around providing a welcoming home and making the most of time together.

I am so grateful to have friends and family that are willing to take time to travel and stay with us. As I have written before, it is powerful when somebody you love is able to step into your everyday and sample your life.

It is looking at life through another lens. And it affords the opportunity to to be a tourist in my own town. It is an excuse to not waste the summer-  the best restaurants and beaches and outdoor concerts and harbor cruises and painting classes and barbecues. It allows a fall back into comfortable friendships and builds new memories.

The beds have been cleared yet again. The laundry and dishes put away. The house- reset. 

Now I write it down. 

But the heat lingers and we likely have a few more days of salt and sand before the season sneaks away. So I embrace each day and try to remember everything that we did. 

Nice Day: Fall Schedule

Labor Day has just gone and taken with it, the unofficial end of summer. As a season, we have a few more weeks. But as soon as yellow buses start filling the streets, it feels time to empty the beaches. Not that I want to, at all. I am pleading with the sun to last a little longer this year. I want more time with sandy clothes, open windows, iced coffee, trips to the Cape, summer beer, food on the grill, baby swim lessons, sun-blocked skin, and long days.  

There is a chance that my wish could come true, at least somewhat. I am living in New England for the first time in almost a decade. Minnesota in the fall is lovely but blink and you might miss it. It lasts about five minutes. New England weather is more unpredictable but generally is a little gentler in the transition. 

Nick and Emaline on Long Sands Beach, York, ME.

I stopped writing on my blog and now that I am back, I write two paragraphs on the weather. Probably not what you were looking for. But like many conversations, you start with small comments and light pieces of notice. Sometimes you start with a proclamation. Spit out a statement and dive in. But not this time. I am wading in, one step at a time. It is rocky and I slowly work to find my footing. As the water gets higher, I will start to swim. But this is the gauge, the place where I figure it out.

As kids head back to school, I find myself wanting to recommit time to this platform, this little blog. I want to share our life on the Seacoast. I want to remember simplicity. And of course I want another venue to write. I am reluctant to state that now but Nick always says- you are more likely to follow through if it is in writing. So there you go.

I have been writing, though not here. And I have been reading voraciously, for someone with a 15 month old. But summer is ending and I want to step it up.

Cape Cod Canal

*If you are a regular reader and ever want to request a new post, I encourage you to let me know. I work well under pressure.

Boston Harbor from my sister's roof deck.

Love & Loss: My Nana Hannon

Again I went silent. Not because I was keeping a secret, but rather the weight of what I had to say was heavier than my words allowed. I didn't want to just announce the passing of my Nana because I wanted to write in such a way that would honor her. But I know I cannot return to writing until I have shared this momentous loss. And I have realized that my words will never be strong enough to carry my love for her.

I wrote once before about my Nana and her battle with Alzheimer's. It was long and hard and she saw it coming long before it swept her away. She passed away on December 6th, 2013. She lived her last few months at my parent's house and I saw her only a few weeks prior to her death. My family provided care to her that no amount of money could bring. They tended to her with the love and grace that she lived. We knew she was close to the end but she had battled back so many times, it was hard to believe.

The last few days, I waited, knowing what was going to happen. But still, my heart broke when my mom called me on that Friday afternoon. I booked my ticket home and was on a plane the next morning with a baby in my arms.

There are many paragraphs that I have written about this but only a few that I will share. My Nana was many things and private was one of them. I will keep some of my favorite stories tucked away, never to forget.

My Nana was one of the best people I have ever known. She always made me feel loved and it warmed my heart to be in her presence. My Nana was the matriarch. She loved her family and even in sickness, kept us close. She was beautiful and always put together. She loved red lipstick and curlers. She was strong but never loud. She often spoke in a whisper. She loved music and had a pretty voice. She loved tea and toast with jam. She was funny and found laughter easily. She seemed to understand life and knew how to wave away worry. She loved the ocean. She was kind and stubborn and always wanted to help others. Even at the very end, knowing a child was near, made her smile.

She has always been my favorite person for advice. She told me to find a man that treats me well and who makes me laugh. She told me that having fun and laughter will always be important. She was speaking from experience. I asked her once, when her and my Grandpa fell in love. She said she didn't know. She said she didn't know when they met because he was around when they were both children. She remembered him playing baseball 
and that she always loved him. 
She said it so simply. 
It was as if there was no beginning 
and with that, 
no end. 

Showered: Boston Baby

 The last weekend in February, Nick and I flew to Boston for my baby shower. It was great to be home and strange to know that it was my last trip before the baby arrives. 

My Mom called a few days before we flew out to let me know that a snow storm was expected the night before and the day of the shower. We did not have options for changing dates, so I tried to not think much about the weather. As the day approached, the storm became eminent but the severity lessened.

Snow covered backyard.

 It was the kind of snow that stuck to the trees and made for a really pretty backdrop. In the end, it deterred only one guest. Friends and family arrived from Connecticut, New York, Cape Cod, New Hampshire, and all over Massachusetts. I am so grateful to have people in my life who are willing to travel and celebrate this exciting time. I also have to say how awesome my parents and sisters are for putting it all together. They cleaned, cooked, and decorated like crazy. My Dad spent hours shoveling snow banks so there would be enough parking spots. My Mom cooked almost all of the food by herself. My older sister filled the house with decorations. And my little sister picked up odd jobs and lent me shoes. And last but not least, Kaia placed her blanky across the couch in case anybody got tired and wanted to take a nap.

Tracey, Nana Rice, Mom, Me, Kaia, Christine

Love my friends!

Showers in my family do not entail any games. We gather, talk, eat, and drink. Other than the gift opening, it feels like a regular party. It is great and I'm glad that nobody had to guess how round I am. No offense to people who love games, it's just not my thing.

Photo taken before my Dad and b.i.l. snuck Nick out to the bar.

Kyla and Kaia

 I am also grateful to have little kids and babies to take some of the attention. I named Kaia "shower captain" and let her know that her job was to entertain people. At the last moment, she told me she wanted to be called "shower fairy" but would still help open the gifts. As people came in the door she would announce that "another customer arrived".

 Leaving Boston this time was really hard. Mainly, I have a hard time imagining all of the changes my life will take before I go home again. I will deliver a baby. I will become a mom. And I will have all of that happen while my family is far away. I always thought I would be back in Boston when this time came. But life has taken me somewhere unexpected. The shower in Boston was a great reminder of the support that I do have, even if I do not get to see those people everyday.

I cannot wait for summer and my next trip to Boston. I cannot wait to dress her in one of the many Red Sox onesies we received and bring her to the beach for the first time. When that happens, I will think back to now and although only a few months will have gone by, life will be so new and I will have traveled so far.  

2012: Something Else

Photo c/o LivingIf.com

This year is harder to sum up than I thought it would be. There are a few obvious changes that have taken place but I don't think the shift will be completely realized until I am further away from now.

Nick and I started 2012 in such a major way that the year had to be one worth remembering. We were on the roof of our condo in Sydney with some of our greatest friends watching the most amazing fireworks explode over the harbour.

In the weeks that followed Nick and I traveled around Australia visiting old haunts and discovering new treasures. I navigated around Sydney as though I'd been gone for seven days, not seven years. I sat in front of the Opera House and was mistaken for an Australian (woohoo).

Standing in front of my old apartment.

We traveled to Maggie, a tiny island close to the Great Barrier Reef. We hiked to see koalas in the wild and swam on a secluded beach. Nick and I fell in love with the country all over again and made promises to return as often as possible throughout our lives.

Our park on our last night in Sydney.

 A few weeks after Nick and I returned home, I was able to make the final payment on my car loan and my credit card, making 2012 the year that I got to declare myself debt free! It was a goal I worked on for two years and it was incredible to finally check it off.

 In April, we traveled to Mexico for a friend's wedding.  It was beautiful and crazy. Much of our time was spent swimming and drinking but we also took time to visit caves, read in our hammock, snorkel, eat great food, and dance to techno. It was fun to be at a resort with friends and I hope for more trips like that (less tequila) in the future.

I bought a bike this summer and accomplished a 40 and 50 mile ride. Those were a little rough but the shorter trips on the local bike paths were really fun.

 In July, I ran my first 5K. I do not think I could have picked a better first race. We ran/walked the color run! It was a blast. Post-baby, I hope to make races a bigger part of my life.

Elise, Sam, and I. We biked to the run and went swimming after so it was our own version of a triathlon.

Also in July, I took a huge leap and quit my job in order to write full time!! It was awesome! I miss a lot of the people but not my job at all. I have written about it a number of times so I will keep it simple and say- we made the right choice.

With my new schedule, I took ten days at the end of July and beginning of August to go down the Cape with my Dad and help him take care of my Nana. I wrote about that here.

At the end of August and beginning of September, Nick and I went to London and Paris. You can read more about that here. It was our first time in either place and we loved every minute of it.

At the end of September, I found out I was pregnant. It rocked our world. Seeing her ultrasound for the first time, pushed the fear aside to make room for excitement. Disbelief still tries to sneak in, but a steady heartbeat and a growing bump, tell us it is real. We welcome Baby Girl in May!

Mixed with our wonderful news, the fall also brought loss. In October, Duke passed away after being sick for only a few days. It was heartbreaking and we miss him still. At the end of the month, Nick and I flew to Ohio to spend time with Kris and Steve.

The day I returned home from Ohio, Nick's grandmother had a stroke. We spent the next few weeks visiting her in the hospital. She lost the ability to communicate but could hear us and was able to squeeze our hands. A few days before Thanksgiving, she succumbed to her injuries and the world truly lost an angel.

In December, we were able to find out the gender of Baby Valley. Grandma Valley, in the weeks before her stroke, told us emphatically that we were to have a girl. When we went to visit her in the hospital, Nick whispered our girl name. When we went in for the ultrasound, the lady asked me if we had a name. I told her we did if it was a girl and explained. She responded, "Grandma was right!"

Of course she was, how could it be anything else. It was a moment of Grace and knowing that we are to have a little girl is so amazing. It makes me smile, it makes me cry. A few days later, we went to visit our families and shared the news.

Home for Christmas with my parents.

 I wish I had an eloquent way to wrap up this year, to make the loss and the change all mean something. Someday I will look back and see it more clearly. But I have never been so excited to welcome a new year!

Transition: Cape Cod

In the mid 1970's my grandparents bought a small plot of land across the street from a quiet beach in Cape Cod. It has always been a place for my family to gather A place to swim in the ocean, eat seafood, and sit on the deck and listen to the waves.

When I was twenty, I lived at the house for the summer with my grandmother. During the day, I laid on the beach and at night, I was a waitress at a local restaurant. My Nana would join me on the beach with her fishing hat and water shoes. We would sit and chat and watch the tides move in and out. After a few hours, She would excuse herself to go back up to the house to make tapioca pudding or angel food cake. We would go out to dinner at 4:30 and she would comment on the enormous portions of food. We would sit up at night and watch the Tonight Show and she would doze sitting up in a chair. In the morning, she would read the entire newspaper. Her vision was fading so she used a magnifying glass to be able to see the words clearly. Her memory would slip occasionally but she would laugh about it once she realized and we would move on. It is hard to believe that was nine years ago.

My father is retired now and because he knows how much it means to her, he is spending the summer at the beach house with my Nana. It is no longer the lazy days of summer that I remember. Caring for my Nana has become a full time job as she is in the advanced stages of dementia. When it is my Mom and Dad together, they are an amazing care team. My Mother is a nurse and able to carry out tasks that the rest of us cannot. My Mom is wonderful with her and it seems that deep in her mind, Nana recognizes her as a nurse and listens to her instructions. My Dad spent his career in a number of leadership roles so he knows how to organize and oversee: medicine schedules, doctors appointments, nurses visits, and ensures that Nana is well cared for by the people that love her.

 

Work schedules being what they are, my Mom had to leave her post as Nana's nurse for eight days so she could go to her paying job. To keep my Dad company, I offered to fill her space for that time. The last day at my job was on a Friday, on the Tuesday, I flew to Cape Cod.

It was nice spending that time with my family. For most of the trip it was just Nana, Dad, and me. Every time I walked into the room, I introduced myself to Nana and was received with varying degrees of recognition. I would sit with her for hours and play music that she knew. It was so rewarding to see her laugh and smile in response to The Sound of Music.



My first day there, Nana had a moment of clarity. I told her who I was and that we are on the deck at her Cape house. In response she said, "Grandpa and I got this house so that the family could come and go and come and go."

On the weekend, my sisters, brother-in-law, niece, cousin, aunt, and sister's dog came to stay. It was fun to all be together. As hard as it is to see Nana, a woman so full of grace, go through this awful disease, she has done something right in her life to be so surrounded by love. She naps on the couch with the ocean crashing outside and her family comes and goes and comes and goes.