Hard Words: What I Carry

I have to write a post. If I write one then I am able to write another and then another. I have not forgotten about my blog. I have avoided it.

My last grandparent, Nana Rice passed away in February and I knew that my next post had to address that loss and so I wrote nothing.

My Nana Rice lived her entire life on one street. Her family was very close and many of the cousins and siblings still live only a few houses away. The neighbors who were not relatives, soon became like family. My grandparents were the couple that hosted social events and included everyone. They loved traditions and big gatherings and thought nothing of throwing a last minute party.

Today is Easter. We spent it with my Mom's family, the people who are feeling her absence the most. My grandparents had four kids, 10 grandchildren, and two great-grandchildren. And when we are all together, we fill the room with stories, sarcasm, and laughter. It is easy to see that we are existing in a space crafted by my grandparents. And so it was nice. But it is still not easy.

My Nana was kind and generous and hilarious! Every time I was with her, she made me laugh. It was the way she observed the world. She said things in a straight forward manner and ended sentences with laughter. When she laughed, she scrunched her whole face as though she was crying. The harder she laughed, the more it appeared as though she was crying. My Mother does the same thing. It makes them look so sad when they are so joyously happy. And it makes everyone else laugh harder.

I swear she is laughing in this photo!

Her laughter was contagious and made everything feel lighter, more manageable.
The last time I saw her I asked, "How are you feeling?"
She answered, "Terrible!" But then she laughed. A sincere chuckle that made me wonder if she was actually fine or if she just knew how to find a moment for release.

I think of this small interaction often. I take so much from her. She was a woman that had it figured out: enjoy life, gather the people you care about most, raise a family that supports one another, and find laughter when nothing else can be done.

I love my family.

New Home: First Christmas

December swept by with such force that I have just now caught my breath. I wrote this post on December 8th and never pressed publish. The holidays are always busy but with Nick travelling for work and us travelling for Christmas, we reached new speed. So in an effort to remember, I am posting now without change to my previously written words.

We spent this weekend getting our new house Christmas ready. On Saturday, we bundled Emaline in a tiny sleeping bag and took her on her first wagon ride. We pulled our all-terrain Radio Flyer down the street to a local flower shop and bought a Christmas tree.

On previous years, my choosing method was to find the fattest tree that I could find. It has not always worked out well. This year I picked one that is skinny but full. It is the best tree we have had in years! For the walk home, I carried the baby sack and Nick pulled the tree which had been tied to the wagon. If only Norman Rockwell could have seen us!

That night my parents came to spend the night. I have heard that the Portsmouth tree lighting is the best day of the year and I was so excited to check it out. unfortunately, the lighting and holiday parade were cancelled because of rain. So we went out for a nice dinner and then came home to decorate the tree, listen to Christmas music, and sip Bailey's on ice. It was great. My Mom also gave me a lesson on putting on Christmas lights. Her tips:

1. Start at the top
2. Hang the lights loose and away from the trunk
3. Step back often and fuzz your eyes to check spacing

Now to finish shopping and get some present under the tree. Merry Christmas!

Did you miss these holiday posts?

Christmas Vacation: Our Little Distraction

As I mentioned in my Christmas post, Nick and I did not get around to see everyone we wanted when we were in Boston. We tried, we drove across states and saw so many friends that thinking back now, I get confused at who said what at which party. But still, high school and college friends were missed.

The parties, and a large number of loved ones are not the only reasons we did not complete our rounds. A lot of the blame really can fall to one person. She never means to, or maybe she does, but when she is around, everything else falls away.

2012 Christmas card.

My sister and her family live an hour from Boston and decided that instead of driving back and forth from my parent's house all week, stayed over. The house was crowded and a little hectic but totally worth it. It was the longest continuous time that Nick and I have spent with Kaia and we took full advantage.

Kaia showing Uncle Nick how to use an iPad.

Kaia climbed on my lap and requested that we have our photo taken.

Kaia helping Uncle Nick choose a microbrew at the Yard House.

  

As you know, kids say the darnedest things and this little one is no exception. She chatters constantly and makes up incredibly detailed stories. On Christmas morning, she opened the nightgown from Nick and I and exclaimed, "Oh my dosh, dosh, dosh! It's gorgeous!" And proceeded to strip down and pull the nightgown on. Once she was dressed in her new pajamas she suggested that we all stop opening presents, go upstairs, pretend it is nighttime, share our beds, and go to sleep. 

Kaia in her new nightgown with Cookie.

 She was upset that we were not up for her idea so I suggested that she open the Christmas present that Nick and I bought for Cookie, her teddy bear and constant companion. She put on the high-pitched voice that she uses to talk for Cookie and sat the bear in front of her. She used the stuffed paw to open the wrapping paper. It took awhile to get the tape off but it was adorable to watch.  

On Christmas Eve, after we announced the gender of Baby Valley, Kaia and I were playing on the floor. I asked her if she was excited to have a girl cousin. She responded by kissing me on the lips. She then started bending her little body down. I realized what she was doing and lifted myself to my knees. She then kissed my belly. It was the most precious moment and I could hardly believe the sweetness of my little niece. 

Christmas Eve

Kaia watching The Nutcracker. Shortly after this, she lifted her leg in the air and said "These moves are tricky."

Kaia playing with new Princess stickers. What a lovely crown!

Kaia, a little confused after waking up from a nap in a new place.

2012: Something Else

Photo c/o LivingIf.com

This year is harder to sum up than I thought it would be. There are a few obvious changes that have taken place but I don't think the shift will be completely realized until I am further away from now.

Nick and I started 2012 in such a major way that the year had to be one worth remembering. We were on the roof of our condo in Sydney with some of our greatest friends watching the most amazing fireworks explode over the harbour.

In the weeks that followed Nick and I traveled around Australia visiting old haunts and discovering new treasures. I navigated around Sydney as though I'd been gone for seven days, not seven years. I sat in front of the Opera House and was mistaken for an Australian (woohoo).

Standing in front of my old apartment.

We traveled to Maggie, a tiny island close to the Great Barrier Reef. We hiked to see koalas in the wild and swam on a secluded beach. Nick and I fell in love with the country all over again and made promises to return as often as possible throughout our lives.

Our park on our last night in Sydney.

 A few weeks after Nick and I returned home, I was able to make the final payment on my car loan and my credit card, making 2012 the year that I got to declare myself debt free! It was a goal I worked on for two years and it was incredible to finally check it off.

 In April, we traveled to Mexico for a friend's wedding.  It was beautiful and crazy. Much of our time was spent swimming and drinking but we also took time to visit caves, read in our hammock, snorkel, eat great food, and dance to techno. It was fun to be at a resort with friends and I hope for more trips like that (less tequila) in the future.

I bought a bike this summer and accomplished a 40 and 50 mile ride. Those were a little rough but the shorter trips on the local bike paths were really fun.

 In July, I ran my first 5K. I do not think I could have picked a better first race. We ran/walked the color run! It was a blast. Post-baby, I hope to make races a bigger part of my life.

Elise, Sam, and I. We biked to the run and went swimming after so it was our own version of a triathlon.

Also in July, I took a huge leap and quit my job in order to write full time!! It was awesome! I miss a lot of the people but not my job at all. I have written about it a number of times so I will keep it simple and say- we made the right choice.

With my new schedule, I took ten days at the end of July and beginning of August to go down the Cape with my Dad and help him take care of my Nana. I wrote about that here.

At the end of August and beginning of September, Nick and I went to London and Paris. You can read more about that here. It was our first time in either place and we loved every minute of it.

At the end of September, I found out I was pregnant. It rocked our world. Seeing her ultrasound for the first time, pushed the fear aside to make room for excitement. Disbelief still tries to sneak in, but a steady heartbeat and a growing bump, tell us it is real. We welcome Baby Girl in May!

Mixed with our wonderful news, the fall also brought loss. In October, Duke passed away after being sick for only a few days. It was heartbreaking and we miss him still. At the end of the month, Nick and I flew to Ohio to spend time with Kris and Steve.

The day I returned home from Ohio, Nick's grandmother had a stroke. We spent the next few weeks visiting her in the hospital. She lost the ability to communicate but could hear us and was able to squeeze our hands. A few days before Thanksgiving, she succumbed to her injuries and the world truly lost an angel.

In December, we were able to find out the gender of Baby Valley. Grandma Valley, in the weeks before her stroke, told us emphatically that we were to have a girl. When we went to visit her in the hospital, Nick whispered our girl name. When we went in for the ultrasound, the lady asked me if we had a name. I told her we did if it was a girl and explained. She responded, "Grandma was right!"

Of course she was, how could it be anything else. It was a moment of Grace and knowing that we are to have a little girl is so amazing. It makes me smile, it makes me cry. A few days later, we went to visit our families and shared the news.

Home for Christmas with my parents.

 I wish I had an eloquent way to wrap up this year, to make the loss and the change all mean something. Someday I will look back and see it more clearly. But I have never been so excited to welcome a new year!

Christmas: Baby Valley is a....

It is sort of my first day back after an extended break. Nick and I were in Boston for six days over Christmas. It was longer than the majority of our trips east but it was probably the busiest. We had something planned every day. It made the days fly and though we did our best to see everyone, it just was not possible.

Probably my favorite moment of the trip was surprising my family with the gender of the baby. Nick and I found out the news on Thursday (three days prior to arriving in Boston) and I wanted so badly to celebrate with them in person. I told them they would know on Christmas morning. I planned the surprise for Christmas Eve but technically, they did know on Christmas morning. 

Every year we attend a party at my Aunt Tina's house. It is the part of Christmas I look forward to the most. The house is filled with extended family and old friends. My Great-Aunt Jeanne plays piano and we sing Christmas Carols. Santa shows up and hands out presents to the little kids. When we arrived at the party I quietly went upstairs and found Santa's bag of presents. I slipped in the card, addressed it to my Mom and Dad, and rejoined the party.

A short time later, Santa's bells started ringing to announce his arrival. It's the same every year. Everyone stops what they're doing and gathers in the living room. You can hear every child saying his name in anticipation.

It was the first time since I was a child, that the jingle jingle gave me butterflies. I was so nervous. When Santa called my parents up to sit on his lap, they did not think anything of it, convinced it was a joke by one of my uncles.

Half in conversation, my Mom tore open the wrapping paper to find a sealed envelope. Still she had no clue. I gestured to my sisters that they should pay attention. They did not catch on right away but started to suspect something was up.

My Mom barely paying attention to her "gag" gift. I'm trying to remain calm, my Aunt Tina, knew what was up.

 As my Mom opened the card and read the words, She yelled out and pushed the card shut. She was smiling and wide eyed staring at my Dad, who had not yet seen what it was. My sisters realized what was happening and rushed to find out for themselves.

"What? What is it?" My Dad shouted, trying to pry the card from her hands. Quickly my sisters were at their side. My Mom, still stunned and hugging the card yelled out, "It's a girl!"

My sisters reacting to the news!

Dress hides the bump well but not my tired eye.

Merry Christmas!! 

PS: A special thanks to Ellie who knew to have her camera ready. All Christmas Eve photos c/o Ellie Rice.
 

Snapshot: Snow Daze

Morning After.

 When Nick told a friend of his about impending fatherhood, he offered some great advice. He said when the baby comes it is natural to turn all of your focus to the baby, to have that be your only priority. The important thing to remember, however, is to care for our relationship as a couple. He recommend that we try to have date night as often as possible and to make one another top priority. If we are doing well, baby is too.

I can already see how easy it would be to not ever leave baby and to turn all of my snuggling tendencies to the little one. A favorite blogger wrote about her experience with this here. 

Early Christmas present for Nick.

In an effort to combat this early, we have initiated weekly date nights. It has been the best part of pregnancy. Every Friday or Saturday night is reserved for the two of us to go to dinner and talk and hang out as a couple. We have been making some big efforts to trim spending but Nick asked that we not cut our dinner budget. For the time being, I agree. Besides, without wine, I'm a pretty cheap date.

Saturday evening I started getting ready earlier than usual. I do love getting dressed up and going out. But it's taking me longer to get ready as it is getting harder to pretend that my body is the same. I put on a red dress that I bought when I found out I was pregnant. It is not maternity but it stretches and has an empire waist. I am now showing but if you didn't know, you might just think I have a funny shape. The dress was only accentuating that. In another month it'll probably be cute but now, even Nick was concerned (He never says anything bad about my appearance but is more honest than most guys, and it is usually quite helpful). After a few outfit changes, we were out the door. 

We went to Amore Victoria. It is this great Italian place a few blocks from our first apartment. We used to go there all the time when I first moved here. We sat at a table that only had a booth against the wall and no chairs on the other side. It was very Parisian and the only table like that. It felt like we were there to watch everybody else. We had giant pasta dishes and lots of bread and oil. I even had a glass of sparkling n.a. cider in a champagne glass.

The Kitchen of Amore as we were leaving.

 After dinner we made a date night exception and went to a party hosted by my friend Sam. All of the guests save Nick and I, were theater students at the same college. We listened to Christmas music on vinyl and played with silly British party favors. At 12:30, after drinking too much hot cider (rum), Nick started tugging on my arm and we left to drive home. We got out to my car just as the expected snowstorm was starting.

We awoke in the morning to find everything covered in beautiful heavy snow. It continued all day. Nick, Toby, and I stayed inside watching snowfall and football. We invited friends over for the game but did not expect anybody due to the weather. Right at the start of the Vikings game, I heard footsteps in the mudroom. Elise spent an hour and a half walking the three miles to join us. It was really nice. I made brownies and we all cozied on the couch and watched the Vikings win. 

Toby taking advantage of a snow day.

I do not usually write my days but as I look outside and see everything buried and quiet, it is hard to not want to capture this time. I am learning how to embrace my changing days and these simple moments remind me that the important things are still there hidden in the everyday.

Trot Trot to Boston: Catching Fire

I am back at work after the Thanksgiving holiday. I flew to Boston on Thanksgiving and then took a flight at 11:45am Monday and came straight into work. The whole day felt like a dream, like I wasn't really here.

The best part about coming back was going home to see that Nick had surprised me by cleaning the house, hanging up pictures, and putting up a Christmas tree. The living room smelled like pine and the Christmas tree next to the fireplace made the room so cozy and nice.

Now I wish I could be home on my couch, wrapped in a blanket, drinking coffee, and reading The Hunger Games. I started the trilogy maybe two weeks ago and I am halfway done with the third book. I cannot stop. Every free moment I have, I want to be reading. Trilogies, young adult, soon to be movies- are not usually my kind of book. I am a self described literary snob. But this book has got me! It is well written, compelling, and unlike anything I have ever read. I am attached to the characters and as much as I want to keep reading, I will be sad to finish.

The other thing that has been contributing to my speed reading is the wedding present Kris and Steve gave us. The day before my wedding Kris presented me with a Nook. She explained that she knows I love books but for travelling, the Nook makes more sense. I wasn't so sure about it. Nick and I decided that if I didn't like using it, he would. And if I did use it, we would buy a second. Last week Nick bought a second.

The Hunger Games are the first books that I have read on the e-reader. Kris was right about the ease of travel. It is small and I can hold it in one hand. It remembers my page, I can turn it on and off with one button, and the pages don't rip, wrinkle, or smush in my pocketbook.

When I was in Boston, reading in my parent's basement I looked over and noticed the bookshelf. Two of the shelves are taken up by encyclopedias that my grandparents bought when we were kids. What an investment my grandparents wanted to make in us, updating the collection every year with science books. I held my Nook in one hand and slid the other along the spine of the navy books with gold lettering. My Mom cannot toss them out but when will they be used? How old fashioned it seems to use an encyclopedia as a reference. What will my children think of those books? And that right there is what scares me about e-readers.

I know it seems like a jump but I love books and I don't want them to be a thing of the past. I plan on continuing to build a library. Books that I love, books that I want around, I plan on buying hardcover copies and building an expansive library ala Beauty and the Beast.


I could look past the fangs too with a library like this!

 I have already declared myself as the aunt who will buy books and have started making a list of all the classics that Kaia needs to own. Last Christmas it was the hardcover complete collection of Winnie the Pooh, this year it was the Polar Express and Make Way for Ducklings. I just hope that someday she is not in my house reading from a tiny projecting watch when she looks up and wonders what somebody is to do with all those books.

Kaia reading a story to her animals.

Boston: I'll Be Home for Christmas

Nick and I bought our tickets for Boston yesterday! We will be there for Christmas and I can not wait to go home. It is going to be longer than many of our trips east but the holiday will keep it busy and still have me struggling to spend the right amount of time with family, visit with friends, and have a vacation.

I love Boston around Christmas! I love downtown, I love the family traditions, I still love waking up at my parents house on Christmas morning.

We are flying out Christmas Eve morning on a direct flight. I'm a little nervous about getting there on time but we have almost seven hours between when we land and when my favorite part of Christmas begins.

My favorite part is the Christmas Eve party. It is in the town where my Mom grew up. All of my family on that side attends all the way down to second and third cousins. My great aunt plays Christmas carols on the piano and somebody dresses like Santa and makes a big show of coming down the stairs ringing bells, sits in an overstuffed chair, and hands out presents to the little kids.

Nick was a great sport and played Santa two years ago. I was his helper. He was such a trooper that after he had taken off the very old suit and packed away, he put it back on when cousins showed up late and asked that he do it again for pictures with their newborn. He did with a smile and it was worth it! See below:

 When I was a child, I knew the Santas in the mall were not the real thing but I always believed that the real Santa showed up at my party just to hand out presents to my cousins and me. I believed that my Grandmother had some kind of friendship with Saint Nick and we were special.